I Don't Know What to Say...

I never know what to say anymore. To the simplest questions..

        Hey, How are you?

-fine

-I have Cancer

-today’s ok

-I’m tired

-Not so great today

     
        Hey, you look tired, everything ok?

-Yeah, no I’m fine.

-Well yeah, I’m… having some health issues

-I have Cancer

-I’m fine


         Hey, you haven’t been out in FOREVER! Come to the [insert event here] tonight!

-Yeah, not tonight

-Maybe next time

-Maybe when this is all over

-Sorry


         We’re glad you’re back, you were out yesterday… are you feeling better?

-Not really

-Thanks, yeah kinda

-Except for the Cancer, yeah.

-I’m fine

And I get so tired of, “I was talking to so and so about it and they’re putting you on their prayer list too.” “This woman came up to me at church, because you know I put you on the prayer list, and she was telling me just… how moved she is by your story.” “It’s going to be ok because it’s all in God’s hands and he knows what he’s doing.”

And it’s not that I don’t appreciate it, or that I even… don’t believe that. It’s just… :shrug:

I just want this to all be over now. I want my life back. I wish there was just.. a memo I could send out that says, “Yes, I have Cancer. Sometimes, that means I might not make it into work. Yes I’ll probably be fine. Thank you for putting me on your prayer list. Please save your platitudes. I appreciate your kind thoughts, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

I did too much this weekend. I should have stayed home and rested. But I miss my family, and I had errands that needed to be run. And now I’m uncomfortable, and tired, and needing a weekend to recover before I have to go into work tomorrow. And all I want to do is just crawl into bed until the 12th. I just want to hide there where no one can notice me, no one can expect anything from me. Where I can just… sleep my days away and ignore that drumbeat that never ends. “Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.”