Changes

     I walked into the kitchen yesterday and Kris looked up from the fridge and looked surprised, “You have lost alotof weight.” And I hadn’t really noticed myself.. I mean, my belly is still distended and a little swollen so my clothes still fit kind of weird— but I went back to the bathroom and stared in the mirror and realized she’s right.

       Thanks to the Cancer, my appetite has changed DRAMATICALLY. Now, don’t get me wrong- I love food, I always have. Not all of my weight is here just because of things beyond my control- I love food. And I’ve always had a big, and dependable appetite.

       In the last few weeks though, that’s changed a lot. Not only have my cravings changed (that’s been adjusting for awhile), but the amount of food I can stand to eat has diminished significantly. I’m good for (maybe) 2 decent-sized meals a day. Not every day even. A lot of days.. it’s one full meal and lots of ice-pops. There have been a couple of days where it’s been food-free. Not because I don’t want it— actually yes, because I don’t want it. I don’twantfood, the thought of it makes me ill. I get nauseated easily. And if I eat too much now— I can’t sleep, it’s so uncomfortable to digest if I eat the wrong things, or too much food, or blah blah blah.

       And it’s not that I’m opposed to losing weight, if that happens… to be honest, I don’t really care either way. But there are a couple of things bothering me about it. And I know- how ridiculous? Cause, I don’t have enough to worry about right? How about we focus on hey… Cancer for instance. Except… I’m tired of thinking about Cancer. So right now, I’m going to think about my weight… and about some of the things I’ve been thinking about today.

        I’ve spent a lot of time hating my body. A lot of years overweight and unhappy and self-loathing and uncomfortable with my appearance. And over the last… oh 2 years? I’ve worked really hard to reach a point where I am not just comfortable, but HAPPY and healthy in my skin- just the way I am. And now, not by choice, I am starting to lose weight. Starting to have a different body than the one I have grown to finally love.

       Maybe the reason it bothers me so much is because, like so much about my physical being right now, this weight loss was not a choice. My appetite change was not a choice. I didn’t decide to go on a diet, I didn’t decide to change what I eat, or when, or how much. I just- can’t. It’s like the idea of the hysterectomy. I wanted one. I asked for one last year- a partial at least. But then it was a choice. It was something I decided I wanted for myself, for my body, for my future. Of course, in the case of the hysto- I also only wanted a partial. Now though, I’m facing a forced one… a complete one. And like the changes in my diet and appetite… it’s not a choice I have to make anymore.

       I think ultimately, the weight loss will be good for me. It will allow me to move more freely, hopefully it will help with my atrocious sleep apnea. But I hate that it’s not something I chose. I’m so tired of my body being something beyond my control. I feel like all I’ve done this last year is had my body turn against me. I feel like any control I gained over.. how I feel in my skin is flying away from me at warp speed. I don’t get to control my apetite, I don’t get to control how much I eat, I don’t get to control my reproductive system, I don’t get to control when I need to rest, how much I can do and accomplish.

       I hate not having control. I feel like everything about my body right now is beyond my control and I’m so incredibly frustrated. And I don’t know how to be ok with it. I don’t know how to love where I am physically and how to begin to love where this body is going to end up when this is all over. :sigh:

       This has been a nonsensical rant that basically boils down to… fuck Cancer and the fact that it has ruined any faith and joy and comfort that I had worked so hard to gain over my body.