10 Tips from a Survivor

10 tips from a Sexual Abuse Survivor about making and getting through your first gyno appointment:

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1. Prepare: If you have a therapist, talk to him/her about it. Talk about your reservations and fears and discomfort. Don’t downplay how helpful massage can be in preparing you for this. I think that my 2 massage sessions (supervised and talked through with my therapist on hand) were probably the MOST helpful to getting me to a state where I could handle being touched by the Gyno.,

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2. Take Someone with You: Even if they don’t go into the actual exam room with you (which I do recommend though), don’t go by yourself. The first visit and exam, even with the best of gynos, is disconcerting at BEST. It’s important that you don’t try to process the whole thing alone. Have someone there in case you panic, have someone there in case you need a hand to hold- even if it’s for after the appointment is over. No matter how prepared you are it will bring up triggers and emotions that you may not expect and it’s best that you don’t drive home alone in case things well up on you unexpectedly.

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3. Talk to the scheduler/nurse/PA when you set the appointment: Let them know that you are a sexual abuse survivor coming in for your first gyno exam. In all honesty, most gynos will be familiar with how hard it is to deal with. They’ve seen survivors before. But they can’t help you if they don’t know. As hard as it can be (and it was very hard to admit on the phone) it is important that they know ahead of time. They can allow extra time in your appointment, they’ll know to be more careful with your triggers too.

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4. If they immediately ask you to strip into a gown, say you want to talk to the Doctor FIRST. My second gyno was great about this. They didn’t even bring out the gown until I’d talked to her face to face in the exam room for a good 20 minutes. And she didn’t even know my abuse history at that point. It will give you time to get more comfortable with him/her and to acclimate yourself with the environment you’re in and the setup. Feel free to ask to see the tools if you think it might make you feel better. I didn’t, but I know other survivors who like being able to see what would be used during the exam first.

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5. If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask them to stop. At one point during my first physical exam I told her I needed a minute. Now, every time I have to deal with a new nurse, pa, lab tech, sonographer, etc… I start by saying, “If I ask you to stop what you’re doing, I need you to listen. I need you to stop. I may not need to say anything, I may never ask you to stop. But if I say the word stop you have to stop.” I have yet to have anyone give me even the least resistance about it.

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6. Wear comfortable clothes. I keep saying I’m going to bring an extra pair of undies but I never remember to. The honest truth is, they will likely use lube during the exam to make it easier and potentially less painful (if you’re a virgin, the speculum can hurt the first time), and no matter how well they wipe you up, it can be a bit squicky afterwards. I usually try to schedule my appointments towards the end of the day so that I don’t have to go back to work afterwards, that way I can go home and shower and get clean.

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7. If you schedule your appointment on a workday, try to do it as late in the day as you can. Remember that this can be an emotional experience even in the best of cases. Give yourself leeway to process it all afterwards.

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8. If the first gyno you go to doesn’t give you a comfortable feeling, or you don’t like their bedside manner… you don’t have an obligation to go back. Remember that this is YOUR body. YOUR survival. It is alright to talk to the Doctor and decide you’re not comfortable moving forward with the physical exam. If you’re not comfortable, DON’T go back. Ask your friends for recommendations, talk to people you know about who they see, who they’re comfortable with. Finding the right gyno can be a little bit like finding the right therapist. There are a lot of factors to sync up. And for an abuse survivor it is critical to feel a certain level of “comfort” with the person you choose. You are not obligated to move forward with the first gyno you see.

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9. Remember that this is not about sex: This is about your health and well-being. And as horrifying as it is (especially the first visit), going to the gyno is critical to your safety. It is. I chuffed that off for a long long time. I regret that now. So much. I never thought I’d be able to separate the physical exam from my sexual abuse. Particularly since my abuse was molestation… focused on my upper thighs etc. It was a horrifying thought for me. But reminding myself that this was about my health DID help. In the moments when I would start to well into panic, I reminded myself that this was a health issue. And while it didn’t necessarily make it better… it did calm me enough to keep moving forward.

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10. It is ok: It is ok to get emotional. It is ok to get overwhelmed. It is ok to feel panicked and scared and uncomfortable. It is ok if all you can do in the first appointment is just TALK to the gynecologist. It is OK. You are OK. But your abuser has already taken so much from you. Don’t let him/her take your health from you too. Don’t wait until you are where I am. Don’t let him/her win that part of your life. Because whether you believe it or not… you are worth so much more than that. You deserve to be healthy and to be cared for medically, physically. And as terrifying as this is- your reproductive health is part of that. A big part.

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Anyone who ever wants to talk to me about any of this. Ever. My comments are always open. I will give you any contact information you want. To be fair… sometime in the near future I will be out for surgery/treatment. But if I am here, if I am within reach of my computer or my phone— I am here for anyone. I have been where you are.

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I won’t say I’m comfortable now. Every visit for me is still a process. I’ve been poked and prodded and inspected and examined. I’ve hemmoraged on an exam table and been wheeled to an OR. I’ve been put under, operated on, checked, exposed and every other terrifying thing I never thought I could survive. But I have. Survived. I continue to survive. So you will you.

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Make the appointment. Go. Please. Please go. There aren’t words in the english language to explain just how important this is. Don’t get to where I am: 30 years old, facing a complete hysterectomy… waiting on labs to tell me if my Cancer has spread to the rest of my body. Waiting to find out what my life is about to be. Go now. Make your reproductive health a priority the way I never did. Because it is so important, even if it is the most terrifying thing you ever do.

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And I’m here. If you need me. If anyone needs me. I am here. I survived. I’ll survive this too. Just watch. If I can survive all of this… you can make that call. I know you can.