Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Landscape of Me



I miss the round smooth evenness of my
pre-war belly
the predictable dips and hills of regularly spaced 
stretch marks
soft mauves and pink skin
waves of gentle contrast.
.
this post-cancer body
creaks
and groans,
it dips crookedly
marked by
dark purple scars
the remnants
of things that no longer exist
below this new lopsided crest of flesh.
.
Unfamiliar,
This landscape of healing.
New lines and curves,
the marks of
fighting and more so-
the wounds of war
won.
.
Strange, this shape 
the feel of myself
older and yet
unknown.
Another thing to learn
Another piece to
love.
.
This imperfect life
hard-won
but all
mine.
.
I miss the round smooth evenness
of my pre-war body.
But this new landscape 
will do.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Placard Problems


Part of me is really frustrated that I won’t be able to get my placard before class tomorrow.  I don’t want it.  I don’t want to need it.  I am not ok with this.  I’m not ok with needing it.
.
And it’s so ridiculous because when I’m with Kris (she has a handicapped plate because of damage to her foot when she had polio as a child) we always park in handicapped spaces etc.  
.
I guess like so much of the last 2 years, I kept thinking— after I get through this terrible thing, it’ll be better.  And then there was just.. the next terrible thing.  So… after I get through this terrible thing, it’ll be better.  And then the next terrible thing.   And on and on.  
.
But I was so sure that remission was the end of it.  That sure, there’d be some downtime, some recovery time- but that ultimately within a month or so I’d feel better.  My body would be better. 
.
And I was sure that the neuropathy would just… resolve itself.  I never once entertained the idea that it would be a long term, or potentially permanent issue.  The fact that we’re now approaching the start of month 3 with this, that I’m about to go get a handicap placard for my own car, that I have to actually sit down with professors and tell them I have physical issues that could impact certain aspects of our coursework. 
.
I hate that.  I hate that I can’t just… get up and GO the way I used to.  I’m not going to claim fitness, or physical prowess.  But I could keep up before.  I could walk and climb stairs and I could have managed feeling my way around a darkroom once the lights were off.  
.
But the truth of the matter is, permanently or not- I can’t now.  I can’t keep up.  I can’t handle walking through 2 buildings and the football field sized parking lot to my car.  I can’t handle the near-constant pain AND focus on my studies.  And when I step into the darkroom from the classroom- I can’t feel where the raised mats are and there is a high risk that I will trip, fall, and hurt myself. 
.
And I hate it.  
.
I kept thinking that once I beat Cancer, I’d get my life back- and yes, my body too.
.
I hate this.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Pain Management


So Pain Doctor Day:
.
Guy was nice. Good news is that my nerves aren’t dead (I could have told him that) and at no point was my weight brought into question AT ALL.
.
He told me about the clinical trial (which uses an injection derived from a blowfish), but we’re going to try something else first. 
.
I am to continue my gaba for a week (but only 1 pill at night instead of 2), then switch to Topamax. He refilled my norco (thank god) and gave me a 1+ refill on it besides.
.
And I go back in a month to check in and see how the topamax is working. If it’s not really, then we’ll revisit the clinical study idea.
.
Now, the downside:
One of the potential side effects of the topamax is cognitive disruption, specifically things like word salad. I already struggle with a lot of that since the chemo, so if this becomes an increased issue- I will have to stop taking it. 
.
In other news, Kris took me shoe shopping and thanks to the experts at New Balance,I am now the proud owner of shoes with extra stability- including roll-bar technology in the heel. While I still have some reservations about the thickness of the soles (they’re pretty substantial), I can already tell having that roll prevention in my heels is going to come in super handy for those times when my feet go completely numb and I still have walking to do.
.
ALSO
The Pain Doc gave me the necessary “prescription” for a temporary disability placard for my car. Without even blinking. Said he thought that was a really smart idea and wrote it out. 
.
So Monday before class I’ll be heading to DPS to get that taken care of. I’m still sort of… emotional about it. About needing it, about using it- but I know it’s the best decision for my body.
.
He was, like I said, really nice. He said that more often than not- it IS a permanent issue- or at least very long term. But he also said that even for temporary sufferers- it can take up to 6 months for it to go away- so not to assume it’s permanent just yet.
.
We’ll see.
.
At least I feel like someone else is watching out for me (and my feet) and will be helping me find the best way to combat it so that I can still have a life.

    Wednesday, January 23, 2013

    Heaviness


    honestly though, the downside to all of this…
    .
    Is realizing how… mobility challenged I am.  I love to move.  I’m lazy, yes, but I love to move.  To walk. I used to be the girl that parked way far from the door.  Because I liked the walk.  
    .
    And part of me still does- emotionally.  But physically…
    .
    I’m really seeing this week just how much my body can’t do.  My feet, specifically.  And as much as I’m trying to keep loving all the many parts of me… I am having a really really hard time not focusing a lot of frustration and disappointment and…. well, rage at my feet and at the drastic change in my physical ability.
    .
    It’s a hard thing- to have it shoved in your face every day.  Every day to have to face how much things have changed.  And changed because of a drug that saved my life (chemo).  Before, I could sit at home and pretend it was just… this nightly ritual that didn’t necessary affect my day-to-day life.  But with classes, and walking, and finding parking places, and participating in photo studio time…
    .
    What if this is the way it is forever?  What if this really is what my feet will be from here on out?
    .
    Not quite handicapped.  But certainly not able-bodied either.
    .
    Realizing just how much I took that pre-cancer body for granted.  
    .
    It’s a lot of heaviness in my head.
    .
    And more in my heart.

    Friday, January 18, 2013

    Processing Pain


    I know that it’s too soon to say deifnitively that my neuropathy issues are going to be permanent.  But I have some shit to process.  I’m processing it here.  I recognize the above.  But there is some reality that needs to get dealt with too- so… yeah, using this blog as an actual blog again.  Sorry not sorry.
    I get that I can’t call my neuropathy issues permanent.  It’s been 2 months since my last chemo treatment and it would be untrue to deny any progress.  Until last month, the pain was practically constant.  24/7.  Adjusting the meds to 3x a day helped manage some of that, but even at night it’s still usually unbearable.
    .
    The good news is that did resolve a bit, and while my nights are still pretty horrible (and in this recent cold snap, it’s been even worse and included a good part of the day again), the pain and discomfort is not constant anymore.
    .
    I keep saying, “ok this is temporary.  It’s going to go away, it’s going to get better.”
    .
    But the fact of the matter is- it might not.  And every week that it continues I skirt more and more around the possibility that this may in fact be permanent.  Even the oncologist was surprised that I was still dealing with just 1 month after treatment.  Now we’re at 2 months, heading into 3.  And with the recent cold- I am feeling the bite of it more and more during the day- and still, as always, at night.
    .
    I have been so reluctant to think of it as possibly permanent, and I’m not willing to give up the hope that it may not be- but it may also be time to accept that this may be something I deal with for a long time, yes, possibly forever.
    .
    It’s a pretty depressing thought.  It means accepting that I won’t be able to always walk or move the way I want to.  That sleep will always be difficult (well, more difficult than it was already).  That I will always have to be hyper-aware of my steps so that I don’t stumble- or fall.
    .
    I have to admit, not all of my recent tenure in my bed has been just because of the cold.  I mean, that’s part of it, yes.  But part of it is this sort of… coming to terms with possibility.  With the idea that my feet may just permanently be an issue.
    .
    As “handicaps” go, I could have a lot worse.  I certainly have plenty of friends with worse.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to wrap my head around.  All this time I’ve been planning, plotting about photowalks and strolls around the lake.  I’ve been banking on things being better.  On getting my walking feet back.  
    .
    I’m getting ready to go back to school.  1 class a day M-Th.  And as worried as I am about the mental aspects of it all- I am worried about the physical aspect.  About how cold it still is.  About walking from my car to class.  About my shoes being comfortable enough, and my feet being warm enough.  I’m worried about being able to get enough sleep to function.  I’m worried about being in too much pain to focus.
    .
    I still hope that all of this will eventually go away.
    .
    But that just might never happen.
    .
    And I’m having a really hard time accepting that.

      Sunday, January 6, 2013

      Back to School


      So, Kris and I have talked before about me going back to school..  I’ve been out of college so long now though that to go back for a full degree (even an AA) would mean literally… starting over.  Nothing I’ve taken before is recent enough to transfer anywhere.
      .
      And, I’m not really that interested in a 4 year degree to be honest.
      .
      Our local CC (which is really just a few blocks away) though, has a Digital Photography Certificate program.
      .
      It basically amounts to a 1 year program at the end of which you get a certificate.
      .
      And in the past I’ve always had so much bill wise (thank you car payment) that trying to do school of any kind just wasn’t really an option because I needed to work full time for decent money in order to stay afloat.
      .
      Kris has offered in the past to help me take this program though, and tonight at dinner someone was talking college and it made me wonder if the program still existed.
      .
      It does.
      .
      2 of the courses recommended for the first “semester” are available for Spring (which begins Jan. 22, registration for which ends Jan 16).  I’ve just finished my application, and tomorrow… I’m going to go in and talk to their academic advisors and admissions counselors (I don’t really think I need to bother sending my 10 year old college transcripts) and see about getting started and registered.
      .
      I talked to Kris about it again tonight, and she is heartily in favor of my trying it out.
      .
      I’m nervous- it’s been more than 10 years since I was in school.  And after chemo and the effect it’s had on my brain (and my feet to be honest)… I have some trepidation about my ability to handle coursework.  I was always a good learner, but not a great student- I didn’t test well and my anxiety tended to get in the way a lot.
      .
      But I also really want this.  And it seems like this is the perfect time to give it a try.
      .
      Tomorrow I’ll swallow my anxiety and head to campus to talk to advisers… and potentially- get registered for spring.  :meep:

      Thursday, January 3, 2013

      How to Sell... myself


      So here’s the real deal about going back to work.
      .
      I’m not really even so worried about going back to work.  I’m a good worker.  That was the whole problem with DAS.  I couldn’t STOP working.  I mean for fuck’s sake I was in the worst pain of my life, diagnosed with Cancer and still working weekends and late nights.
      .
      You set me to work and I’ll work.  And be good at it.  I’m a good worker.
      .
      What I’m … scared of (for lack of better terminology), is selling myself.  Something I also used to be very good at.   It used to be that if I got an interview for a job, I knew I’d be offered the job.  I interview(ed) very… very well.
      .
      But I have lost confidence in my ability to sell myself. 
      .
      I mean, let’s examine this shall we?
      .
      Appearance:
      I have half-grown eyelashes, almost no eyebrows, and my hair is kind of in a disastrous phase of regrowth: looks-wise.
      .
      Work History:
      Lots of job hopping, then a 2 year stint at a job I didn’t really like that much
      .
      Reason for leaving previous job:
      Major health issue that ultimately got me let go because I’d used up my medical leave.
      .
      Last worked:
      July, 2012.
      .
      Reason for term of unemployment:
      Cancer.  In remission for only 1 month.
      .
      I don’t know how to work around any of that.  I just don’t.  The job hopping thing I can deal with, have before, will again.  My 2 years at DAS will help with that a TON.
      .
      My instinct is not to mention the fact that I’ve just finished fighting Cancer.  Except that it is honestly and truly the ONLY reason I’m not still at DAS and that I haven’t worked in so long.
      .
      I don’t know how to dress my head.  If I was going back to DAS- no problem.  They wouldn’t even care.  But interviews are in no small part about that first impression.  That, walk in the door, what do they see moment. 
      .
      And I’m frustrated by my lack of confidence as much or more than I am about anything else.  I’m intimidated by the idea of trying to sell myself again. 
      .
      So, I don’t know.  just… my thoughts i suppose.  In a week, if that listing is still there, I’m going to apply.  But the thought of dressing for and going to an interview… something I’ve always been really confident about… scares me a lot right now.

      Tuesday, January 1, 2013

      Hair!


      When I looked in the mirror this morning I made a discovery:
      EYEBROWS!
      .
      Well, ok, not like full on bushy eyebrows, but there are HAIRS!  And shadow.  And finally!!
      .
      Eyelashes are getting fuller… still pretty short, but very full.
      .
      My hair is coming in on my head more and more every day… and it’s so soft! 
      .
      Now… if my feet would just get with the program.  The last 3 nights I’ve needed both norco AND nyquil to sleep because of the pain.  I think part of it may be the cold snap we’ve been having but still. 
      .
      It is getting better.  Christmas week was pretty decent, even with all the activity.  I just wish it would get better faster you know?
      .
      Especially with all my hair finally coming in.  I just want my feet to get the memo and catch up.

      Welcome to the New Year


      I’m not making New Year’s Resolutions, I’m making Wishes.
      .
      1. I wish for a year (and many to come) without Cancer
      2. I wish to have my medical bills paid by year’s end
      3. I wish for the end to my nerve issues/pain
      4.  I wish for success with my art
      5. Barring that, I wish for a good job
      .
      Some of that you can help with (yes You!)
      .
      .
      Otherwise, it’s up to the universe, and me I suppose.
      .
      I’m glad to put 2012 behind me.  To start over.  For the last few months I’ve said that my remission would be a big start-over for me.  Cancer did a lot of things.  Not all bad, to be fair.  It brought me closer to some people, closer to my family.  It got me out of a job that was sort of… eating my life.  It gave me a chance to renew my love of my art… especially the beading side of things.
      .
      All in all, when you include the year I spent in pain, pre-diagnosis, Remission in December was the end of 2 years of Cancer concerns.  2013 is my new beginning.
      .
      So here I go.