Fingers Crossed

CT scans went fine. Nicest facilities I’ve ever been in for a CT. I’m used to having them at small clinics or the hospital.

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I got a warm robe, they covered me with a warm blanket, lots of pillows. Aside from my arms overextended above my head it was actually pretty comfortable.

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Assuming if nothing major shows up she’ll review them with me on Thursday when I go in for my pre-treatment appointment.

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Still a little emotional about starting treatment again. Not to sound immature but… I don’t wanna.

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Just hoping nothing pops on the CT so that we can continue on with this being the last round. I don’t know how people handle being in treatment for years… I don’t know what I’ll do if it comes back someday and I have to do this over again. I don’t know if I’m one of those people who is strong enough to do this again. :shrug:

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Fingers crossed.

Scans

CT Scans tomorrow. Chest and Abdomen.

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Not sure if I’m more scared they’ll find something, or that they won’t. After all… all those tumors in my uterus never showed up on CTs.

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After CT Scans, I have another week and then Chemo # 2 starts. I’ve been moping most of the day. I know it’s stupid, I just really am not looking forward to this. It could be so much worse. My treatment is so minor compared to some folks. 1x every 3 weeks for 4 sessions. Done after Thanksgiving.

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It’s just in the last week I’ve been feeling so much better. Finally. And now here we go back to treatment and side effects.

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At least my hair should fall out this time. Is it sad that I feel like that will be a good thing? I hate the way it grew in. Wonder how things will change this go around.

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Oh well. Not like I have a choice right?

Bloodshot

I constantly forget that I literally CANNOT eat the way I used to.

I went to Jack in the Box to get lunch. And I guess I ate too much. It didn’t seem like too much, and I was very hungry.

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But I just vomited so violently that there are broken capillaries in my forehead, cheeks, neck… and my eyes are COMPLETELY bloodshot.

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:sigh:

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There wasn’t even nausea first, just went to the restroom and suddenly… ugh.

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So yeah, that was fun.

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I think JiB is officially off my list of places to eat. That’s the 2nd time that food from there has led to something like this. I’m done.

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blegh.

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Hope some of the bloodshotness is out of my eyes by tonight’s show.

Random Nausea

Still dealing with random bouts of nausea. Currently sitting on my bed, trying to decide if this is one of those bouts that won’t go away until I actually throw up and I’m starting to think it is. I hate those. I am not a good thrower-upper. Never have been.

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But I can’t seem to settle it, and I don’t think it’s going to pass until I do. Frustrating, and unpleasant.

SURPRISE!

I don’t think you understand the true marvel that was today.

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I had a really crappy night, hardly slept, issues with a neighbor, wicked bad dreams. Hauled myself up to go to brunch with the Fairy Godmother and Honorary Fairy Godmother. As requested, I packed up my containers of finished jewelry pieces for HFG to go through when we finished eating.

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We arrived at the restaurant, and I discovered: a SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY for me!!!

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I have a group of “goils” here in North Texas that I bum around with… I’ve known them since about 2004 online, and ever since I moved back here, I’ve spent varying amounts of time with them all and they’re a huge part of my support system. Earlier in the summer I’d mentioned wanting to do something really big for my birthday, but not having the energy or gumption to plan it. One of them volunteered to take on that task.

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And today, I discovered the final product. We met at Uncle Julios (my favorite tex-mex restaurant) and I was surprised to see my goils in attendance, balloons on chairs, smiling faces, gifts. It was WONDERFUL!

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And when food and jewelry shopping (I made a ton on jewelry sales today!!) were over— they brought out my very own TARDIS CAKE! :dies:

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It was awesome.

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I was exhausted, and if I’d had to choose, today was not the day I’d have chosen for a party… but oh my heavens it was so lovely and so special and I feel so loved.

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It’s funny. When you get sick, you have certain expectations for people. Some fall away, hide. Either because they can’t deal with the pain of your illness, or because they weren’t as close as you thought they were to begin with. And then… some people just… rise to the occasion. They reach out and check in and constantly remind you that they’re there, that they’re loving you and caring about you and supporting you and praying and thinking about you.

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These girls are like that. Constantly a hand outstretched somewhere if I need it.

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Or, if all else fails— a really amazing Tardis Cake.

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This was the best day I’ve had all year. Easily. And when it finally hits me (after a nap and maybe a quick trip to Michael’s) I will probably bawl my eyes out. But happy tears. Because I still have people who will go to great lengths to tell me they love me. Individually, and as members of this sacred-to-me group of women. And I couldn’t possibly ask for anything more than that.

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So happy belated birthday to me. It was so worth waiting a week.

Radiation Skin

I discovered tonight that I *did* actually get “radiation” skin.

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I was falling asleep, or trying to- and I rubbed my belly… at the sides.. in the crease where my waist meets my hips.. and skin rolled away. Just small pieces. Being a picker, of course, I started peeling.

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It took me a minute to realize the implications. I got up, got a hand-mirror, turned on the light.

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Stared at the dark skin, the peeling flakes, the soft raw-looking flesh underneath.

It doesn’t hurt. Less painful than a sunburn anyway. Itches a bit, a sign of the skin repairing itself no doubt. But disconcerting. Strange, to see it when I didn’t even really notice it before. Benefit (or detriment) of being fat I suppose. My own folds and wrinkles hid it from obvious view.

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I don’t know how to feel about it. Relieved? Because I know radiation is over… that I’m only noticing it as it’s healing itself? Upset? Because… one more sign of what I’ve been dealing with? One more piece that just… keeps surprising me with side-effects?

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I’m tired of these surprises. I’m tired of being fine one day, then waking up vomiting the next. Tired of knowing my body, knowing my skin one day and waking up peeling and red and ugly the next.

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I’m tired of this. Things were going so well when I first got sick last year. Really really well, well in ways I never thought it would. I was at a stable job, pursuing my art, loving my body, happy with who I am. And then Cancer changed all that, changed it even before I knew that it WAS Cancer.

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I keep thinking it’s going to be over, that I’ll get used to it because I will be beyond it. But will I ever really? I have another month of treatment, though thankfully no more radiation. But even beyond that. Every 3 months I have to go back. To get checked. 3 months. Every 3 months, to be reminded, to be rechecked, to be re-examined.

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No matter what I think or say… Cancer will be a part of me for the rest of my life. An invisible companion- stretching out a hand, waiting, looking for a way to grab hold of me again. And maybe it never latches on. Maybe I never again have to feel its fingers in mine… but it will always be… THERE. Here. Next to me.

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I don’t know how to manage all of the emotion that comes with that. And I don’t know how to talk about it. How to make sense of it.

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My life was as close to perfect as I could ever have imagined. And now, because of all of this, I have to rebuild. And maybe it will be better. Maybe this is just the beginning of more wonderful and amazing and satisfactory things.

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But right now, all I can see in my future is 2 sets of footprints… one belonging to me- and the other… to the Cancer that will walk (hopefully) silently beside me for the rest of my life.

1 Week

It’s been more than a week since my last radiation treatment, and longer since my last chemo. And yet I started the day by projectile vomiting in the bathtub. Nothing better than that.

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Still a little nauseated, and that was almost 20 hours ago. Just when I start to think it’s over… it starts all over again. I don’t get it.

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I have my follow up with the oncologist tomorrow and I’m hoping there isn’t any conflict with the insurance. I’ve officially opted for my cobra coverage, but I just have this sinking suspicion I’m going to get drama tomorrow. I can’t afford drama.

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Heading to bed now. Spent the day resting and beading… did finally eat something which has managed to stay down, thankfully.

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Have to get bloodwork tomorrow too, fingers crossed that my magnesium and potassium will finally turn up normal again. Or normalish.

Happy Birthday to Me

Feeling a little better with some caffeine. Decided to power through and enjoy myself at least a little bit.

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Today’s plan:

1. Brunch at Barbecs

2. Shopping at the proper bead store (yay!)

3. Napping

4. Beading

Tomorrow’s plan:

1. Doctor Who marathon with Kris

2. Ice Age 3 at Studio Movie Grill (dinner and a movie!)

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And that’s my big birthday weekend. It’s enough. Friends are planning a big to do in a couple weeks (and that’s all I’ve been told). That will be good.

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Now, waiting for Kris to be ready then time for brunch.

Lucy

Lucy (my dog) was put Down about 745 this evening. In the course of the afternoon, in what we call... a chemo fog, I put her outside and then forgot she was there. 

The consensus was that even if she made it to the e-vet (which was frankly a major if), her condition was bad enough that we likely still would have been looking at euthanasia. We talked about it and it seemed crueler to try and take her over there with the high risk that she’d suffocate on the way over than to do the merciful thing here and now. They believe that she’d also aspirated at some point as well which added to the problem.
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Lucy was 11, almost 12 years old and was very very loved. Kris and I were both with her to the end. She will be very missed and its going to take some time for me to be able to look at all of this and not just feel….. Guilty.
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Love you Lucy-loo and I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better doggie mama to you, you deserved a lot better.