Well...

Well,

Yesterday sucked. When I got to work I was feeling slightly better.. until we realized there was a stomach bug of some kind going round the office. (litearlly person to person during the day).

B. went first… running to the bathroom to lose it. Then as she was in still brushing her teeth… I rushed in and lost it. Then another person, then another. One trip in and then it moved onto the next— it was the oddest thing in the world.

Then was just so freaking tired the rest of the day. By the time it was over— and time for our big “party” I just didn’t really have it in me to be in a big crowd. I went for about 30 min, then ducked out… was going to go to mom’s for a couple of hours, then come home.

Except then I got lost. And then, when I finally accidentally found the right road— I got stuck behind a car fire and ended up sitting in a line of cars for almost 2 hours.

I left Forney at 6:30 and didn’t get to mom’s until 9pm. It’s like 15 minute drive. It was horrible. So I ended up staying at mom’s and getting fussed over and worried over and hugged and tucked in with a quilt and it could have been worse.

Came home to shower and change and then am going back out to mom’s. Will take the bro to go see the hunger games, then have dinner with the family and presumably come back home.

Glad to have my family. And so close by too. I definitely would not be able to handle all of this without them.

On the plus side, I do feel a bit better today than I have in awhile. Haven’t needed a pain pill yet and I’ve lost some of that… “jumping out of my skin” feeling that’s been so pervasive this week.

Kris said today, “you have lost so much weight, do you realize that?”

I don’t really know how to respond. I guess I have. I mean, I can’t eat 3 meals a day like I used to. Most days I’m lucky if I eat and keep down 2. And instead of snakcs, I just suck on icee pops. I suppose it stands to reason that I’d lose weight. :shrug: Not sure how to feel about it really. My belly is still swollen and distended so it’s hard for ME to notice because all my clothes still fit weird over it.

But I stood in front of the mirror today and realized she’s right. I’ve lost a lot of my body mass, if not actual weight. I guess i’ll worry about how I feel about it later. Too many things on my plate already (no pun intended).

Anyway.. have had a nice shower, now to get dressed, and head back to mom’s for the day. A movie with the Bro, dinner with the Fam, and then probably home again for Doctor Who with Kris.

The truth is… healthwise, my life sucks right now. I won’t lie. It’s frustrating, and painful, and at times.. embarrassing. But I am so incredibly blessed with the most amazing support system, both at home, in the family, and at work too. Sometimes that “Cancer” drumbeat is so faint I can almost forget that it’s there.

Almost.

Drumbeat

They keep telling me to stay busy… That if I stay busy I won’t think about it as much and then it will be time for the apt. Time for testing. Time for surgery.

But what they don’t realize is that even at my busiest, craziest, most occupied moments- there is forever and always this drumbeat in the back of my mind that whispers: “cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.”

Concerns

Slightly concerned.

Last couple of days almost no bleeding at all (except of course when I sneeze or cough or laugh too hard or… ) OK Last 2 days a lot less bleeding than before. And my pain has been pretty minimal thankfully.

Today… (tonight at least) a lot more “casual” bleeding, and after lunch I started to get that “knives in the ovaries” pain… haven’t had that in a looong time.

So how worried should I get? Because really, aside from the newish pain in my ovaries… it’s really not that different from before my D&C except that yesterday and the day before everything seemed to be improved and now it’s kind of not again.

:sigh:

April 12th. April 12th. April 12th. 2 weeks from tomorrow and then I see the UT Oncologist. Jesus let me make it that far… tired of all this crap.

Food!

Oh also, also...

I ate actual food today and did NOT throw up!

This is mostly an accomplishment because the only thing I’d eaten since lunch on Monday was dinner last night and that didn’t end up so well. Granted it was JUST lunch, and probably about a third of what I would normally need to be full… but still FOOD people, actual solid FOOD went in my mouth, into my belly and fucking STAYED there! :score:

Plus, I was able to take my pain pills (no food, no pills) and I think it may actually be chilling out my body a little bit… which means I might actually be able to sleep tonight which would be so freaking amazing.

2 Weeks, 2 Days

Work turned out ok. I think partly because I decided to go in on the offensive, rather than waiting to get called on the carpet.

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I got mostly caught up from yesterday and went into my supervisor’s office and sat down.

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“I’m sorry about yesterday. But … have you started actually interviewing anyone yet?”

“We have actually, a couple lined up this week, and we’re actively looking for more.”

“ok… because… yesterday- probably won’t be the last day that I call in. Things are going downhill kind of fast right now, and my appointment isn’t until the 12th… and that’s just the initial consult.”

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We talked for awhile, and he was very kind about it all. I expressed my concerns that I’ve worked really hard to get my accounts to the level that they’re at and I don’t have the energy to spare worrying about what happens to my desk if I have to be out for a day— to say nothing of when I’m out for 4-5 weeks recovering from surgery.

He asked if there was any chance they’d move my consult up and I told him I’m on the waiting list. (I called again today and nothing sooner is open still). He asked if there wasn’t somewhere else they could refer me, and I told him UT apparently has the definitive expert in Endometrial Cancer… and the technology that is best to handle my surgical needs. It’s the only choice I have. He told me to keep calling. That I shouldn’t feel obligated to put anything off.. if they offer me something sooner, if they want to set up tomorrow- to take it. And he will make sure things are taken care of.

He said to keep him posted. If I need to be out, I need to be out. If I need to leave early, I need to leave early.

I don’t know how well that would go over as a regular thing… but at least I think they’re starting to see that after a whole year in pain and discomfort and illness… I’m kind of at the end of my rope now. I don’t have any secret reserves of energy to fall back on. I’ve been asking for help for months. Even on my best days I’m a bit overwhelmed by everything I do.

We’ll see what happens in the next 2 weeks. I just keep hoping they’ll call… say something’s come open. That they can get me in sooner. Because all waiting is doing is making me more and more scared, and more and more worried. Because the longer we wait… the more time the Cancer has to spread. I’m a strong person— but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle chemo. I just don’t. I feel like I’ve been through so much already before Cancer— I don’t know how much I have left. :shrug:

We’ll see. 2 weeks and 2 days. Then I see the Oncologist at UT Southwestern.

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2 weeks and 2 days.

Mothers and Fathers of Teenaged Daughters

I have a PSA for you.

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I am 30 years old. I am a virgin (primarily by choice). I have never had sex with anyone. I have never been on birth control.

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I’ve never been on birth control because I was brought up to believe that birth control was for “slutty girls” who want to avoid getting pregnant. Because I wasn’t having sex, and therefore didn’t need to worry about getting pregnant, I also never went to the gynecologist. Ever. Not until I was 29 years old and in so much physical pain that I literally could.not.function.

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1 year, 2 gynecologists, 1 D&C and many, many pain pills later, I was diagnosed last week with Endomterial Cancer, and am now facing a complete and total hysterectomy. Not the kind where they leave some bits just in case, but the kind where they take a robot and completely and totally scrape out everything that was once intended to make babies.

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And that is the best-case-scenario. If it turns out the cancer has spread, then I’m in for the hysto, AND chemo/radiation/etc.

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If your daughter comes to you and wants birth control because she is having irregular periods, because she is having pain, because she is uncomfortable, or just because she FUCKING WANTS IT- it is your goddamn duty as a loving and nurturing parent— TO LISTEN AND RESPECT HER REQUEST.

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Things you may do:

1. Open a dialogue with your daughter about WHY she wants B.C.

2. Educate yourself about the benefits of B.C.

3. Discuss your (and her) feelings about sex and sexuality as it relates to B.C. (if applicable)

4. Volunteer to take her to a gyno, offer to make an appointment for her, or accompany her to the appointment if she wants you too. But respect her privacy if she doesn’t

5. Be open and understanding about the fact that she may tell you things you don’t want to hear or know.

6. Realize that her asking for B.C. does not automatically mean she plans to/is/wants to have sex.

7. Be uncomfortable about it, and about your discussions. It’s ok, she probably is too.

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Things you MAY NOT DO:

1. Shut her down.

2. Condescend or pass judgement over her request

3. ASSUME she plans to open her legs to anyone that walks by.

4. Tell her she doesn’t need it.

5. Be verbally or emotionally abusive about her request.

6. Cast upon her your ignorance about what B.C can do.

7. Flip out without listening to what she has to say.

8. Refuse to take her to a gynecologist if she wants/needs to go

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Here’s the deal parents, whether you want to believe it or not, birth control and reproductive health are not SEXUAL issues, they are HEALTH issues. And as someone who is 2 weeks away from the SOONEST oncology appointment to deal with a very terrifying issue- I will tell you that if you refuse to support your daughter dealing with her reproductive health- I consider you tantamount to a child abuser. Because you are denying your child access to life-saving screenings and medications.

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No one ever took me. I didn’t even think about it. It was never an option. I never had that kind of dialogue and now I have Cancer. And maybe being on birth control wouldn’t have changed that- but considering I have never in my life had a normal period, I have to think it would.

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If your daughter trusts you enough to tell you that she wants to look into birth control- that is a fucking GIFT and you should be grateful.

If your daughter trusts you enough to tell you she wants to look into birth control and your reaction is to respond with fear and judgement and cowardice, then I invite you to read the rest of this blog from the beginning. Where I talk about my pain and discomfort and regret. The one where I talk about being 30 FUCKING YEARS OLD and having Cancer because nobody every bothered to take me to a gynecologist until it was too fucking late in the first place. Feel free to check in daily, I have 2 weeks to my initial oncology consult and my physical condition isn’t improving in the meantime.

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And I won’t apologize for my anger. I won’t apologize for my language. I won’t apologize for this lecture. Because the person who should have taken me— is dead. And I am having to indoctrinate myself into this, I am having to do this at least 15 years later than I should have. Because she never bothered to tell me anything except that birth control was for “sluts.”

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If you love your daughters, TALK TO THEM. They need you.

Someone Else's Cancer

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I don’t know how. Every time I actually talk to someone- I start crying. I can’t even help it.. Called Kris to ask if she’d get me something to eat finally (I haven’t actually eaten anything since lunch yesterday… aside from ice pops) and just… started crying.

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Like I opened my mouth and tears started falling. Like they’re fucking linked together.

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How do I go back to work if every time I open my mouth I start to cry? Every time some bitchyass customer comes at me about their stupid car I just want to scream at them. Every time a coworker says something nice, I just… dissolve. I can’t deal with the world right now, I just can’t.

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And I’m so angry. Because I’m fucking 30 years old, and before the summer is up I will lose every possibility of ever having children. Ever. And it shouldn’t matter, it shouldn’t. I decided I didn’t want that a long time ago. I mean jesus, last year I ASKED for a partial hysto.

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And maybe that’s the problem. Last year, it was a choice. Last year it was… take out my uterus but leave my eggs. Last year I still left myself this option. And now it’s not a choice, and there is no option because they have to take out all of it. Everything.

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And in a sea of people telling me “it’s going to be fine” I want someone, anyone… one person to gather me up and hold onto me and say, “this is awful and I’m so so sorry.”

I already had my share of shit in my life. I don’t fucking deserve this. This is someone else’s Cancer, not mine. I don’t fucking deserve this shit.

Crumbling

Just called in sick to work. Well, first I hugely overslept, then my supervisor called. then I called back and said I wasn’t going to make it in. Then I got a guilt trip.

Over the last 2 days it’s really started to hit me, everything that’s happening, everything that’s going on. and i’m not really dealing with it that well. I just keep breaking down. And I wanted to just say… fuck you. You get diagnosed with cancer and tell me if you don’t need a fucking day away to process it eventually.

but I didn’t. Yesterday I spent about half of my day either crying or leaving my desk so I could cry. How am I going to last 2 more weeks until this appointment, and who knows how long after that for surgery? I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with this.

I feel like I’m crumbling.

Talk to Skye

I’m not the only one at work with Cancer you know. Skye* (name changed just… because) was diagnosed last year… actually around the time my issues began. She has stage 2 Breast Cancer, and I think it’s migrated to her lungs as well. She was in the hospital with Pneumonia when they diagnosed her. She was there for 2 weeks after, recovering from pneumonia. When she came back to work, she didn’t tell us. She told our boss, and our supervisor, but not us.

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We all sort of found out… by accident really. Someone had to actually ask, about her health, about her disappearing once a week, twice a week. She’s been off the chemo for awhile, her hair’s grown back. She’s not cured, I know that much. And I get the feeling maybe things aren’t going so well.

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But that’s not really the point. The point is ever since I was diagnosed they keep saying, “you should talk to Skye.” “Invite her to lunch, maybe she can make you feel a little better about all of this.”

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And a couple of times I’ve started the email, started to walk over to her cubicle. But I stop. Because I don’t want to talk to Skye. I don’t wan to talk about her Cancer experience. Because it’s not the same as mine. Because hearing her story is not going to help me. It’s not going to make me feel better, and I doubt hearing mine will make her feel better either.

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My Cancer… is operable (as far as we know). Hers is not. Why would I do that? “Hey I know you’ve had Cancer for the last year too and it’s not going well, but did you hear? I have Cancer too.. except as long as it hasn’t spread they’ll just take it right out of me and I’ll be good as new.” Nice, right?

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But it’s not just that. The real reason I don’t talk to Skye isn’t that.

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Skye is in her 50s. She’s married. She has children. She has grandchildren. She’s lived this really varied life. She’s moved a lot, lived in a lot of places. Travelled. Loved. Been loved. Had a family. And that’s not to say her life has been free of sadness or pain or trials or difficulties. But she’s had time. She’s has experiences and moments in her life that I will never have now.

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She is in her 50s. And I am 30. She’s had kids, and I’m about to have those pieces ripped from my body. All of those pieces.

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I don’t want to talk to her. We have almost nothing in common anyway… except for Cancer, and even that isn’t that common between us.

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But I’m tired of hearing it. Of hearing about how Skye is dealing with it all, about how she’s been handling it for the last year.

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GUESS FUCKING WHAT? I’VE HAD CANCER FOR THE LAST YEAR TOO! They just didn’t know it. I don’t want to play the CancerComparison game. That’s not fun for me, it’s not helpful.

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Maybe I need an actual support group. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

Not Well

I am not dealing well right this second. just thought I’d throw that out there.

there are tears, there’s been a bit of screaming, a lot of cursing, and now there’s me going to bed at 7:30 at night because i cannot handle being conscious anymore today.

wake me up when I don’t have Cancer anymore ok?

Not a Good Day

Today was hard. it sucked to be honest.

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It’s been a week exactly since I was diagnosed with Cancer. And it will be another 2.5 weeks before I get in to see the specialist at UT Southwestern… and who knows how much longer after that before surgery.

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The thing is… I’ve been dealing with all of the physical crap for over a year now, and I’m tired. I’d sort of assumed last year that this was going to end up being Cancer in the end… so maybe that’s why it didn’t hit me right away.

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But today… from the moment I woke up I just kept… breaking down. I’d be fine one minute and then in tears, sobbing, the next. I kept having to leave my desk, run to the restroom… try and cry as quietly as I could.

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And I wanted to so badly to just… pack it up and go home. I just want to crawl into bed and not come out again until the 12th. I can’t handle people. I don’t have the energy for rude customers, and my kind coworkers just seem to make me cry more for some reason.

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I’m so scared that they’re going to tell me it’s not just in my uterus. I’m so scared they’re going to tell me that it’s spread. That surgery won’t be enough. It’s not just my lower abdomen that’s been in pain, that’s been in discomfort.

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Dr. Daros said if I’m still in enough pain that I need the meds every 4 hours… I should go to the ER at Presby and have them do a ct scan. Fortunately, today I did get some relief from the pain. But I’m still so fucking uncomfortable… and the distension in my lower belly seems to be rising to my upper abdomen, to the lower parts of my chest. And I’m scared of what that could mean.

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I just want this all to be over. I want it done so that I can take my 4-6 weeks of recuperation and just rest. I need to reset myself. God, if I thought I could afford it—I would take these two weeks off leading up to that appointment and rest now. I don’t have the energy or the patience to deal with work. I just don’t. All day I just wanted to scream at people: Your priorities are fucking ridiculous! I HAVE FUCKING CANCER AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR CAR.

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But I can’t. Because I need to be employed. Because I need insurance. Because I have Cancer.

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And I thought about making a therapy appointment. :shrug: But what can she tell me that I don’t already know? What can she say that I haven’t tried to tell myself already? Would it be weird to just ask her to… I don’t know— hold me while I cried about it? I fought myself all day today… because I just wanted to ask someone, anyone, to pull me into that spare office and close the door and just hug me until I could stop crying. But I thought it would be weird. So I just… shuffled myself to a cold bathroom stall and sobbed. Because I’m not numb about it anymore. Because now it hurts. Now it’s scary. Now it’s real, and not getting fixed fast enough and I can’t handle that constant thought, “I have Cancer. I have Cancer. I have Cancer. I have Cancer.”

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Today was not a good day.

Tomorrow

Spent most of my evening rippling with cramps in my abdomen. No pain, thankfully (i think we may have found the magic mix for meds), but exhausting nonetheless. Just never stopped, waves of cramping. So get home, take next dose of meds and suck down a bunch of icee pops? Cramping subsides. I swear, they’re fucking magic. The icee pops I mean, not the cramps.

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And yes… I’m avoiding blogging about how I really feel about all of this. I will. Tomorrow. I need to put it down in words. What’s been going on in my head through all of this. What’s BEEN going on in my head this last year. I need to get it out of my head.

Tomorrow.

Family Day

Family Day

Spent a good portion of the day with my family which was nice.

Started the day with a haircut though. Told her I really wanted to buzz it but out of deference to my conservative family… to get as short as she can while still leaving some… “style.” I don’t have the energy to dick around with my hair these days. I just want to be able to step out of the shower and go.

She did a good job. It’s still “cute” but it’s sufficiently short to not need any actual effort at all. just want I wanted.

Then had to go to work because of a late car. blegh. Cause that’s what I wanted to do after a long ass week— go to work. Took care of that one, then headed to mom’s. We ended up going shopping which I needed, but holyshit did I overdo it. By the time we were ringing up at the register, I was white as a sheet and my gran thought I was going to pass out. Just so so tired. I forget still sometimes how quickly I wear down.

I did manage to get some more work pants… since black, stretchy, slinky fabric pants are about all I’m comfortable in in public anymore, as well as 2 new pairs of comfy pants and a few new shirts. Oh and a new purse. heh. Since I’m still not up to carrying my camera 24/7 … I can enjoy having cute purses for awhile. Mom and I actually both got the same one. it’s prettiful.

Of course then I was totally exhausted, but we spent the rest of the day at the house, relaxing, watching a movie. Aside from just being… completely wrung out— it was a really lovely day.

And yet at the same time… such a vivid reminder of how deep I am right now. I’m so worn out.. and ready for this to be over and done with. I shouldn’t have punked out after one shopping trip. :sigh:

Made It

Made It

Made it through another full day of work. Wasn’t sure I was going to today. The Naproxen is definitely helping with the pain, but now my upper abdomen is starting to be a bit distended too so my discomfort has risen, although I’m grateful the pain has lessened.

Incredibly tired. Indescribably tired.

Tomorrow getting my hair chopped off (cause I can dammit), then spending some time with my family just… relaxing, hanging out, napping…

Managed to get bumped up a week for my appointment at UT Southwestern. So right now my Oncology consult is on April 12th instead of April 19th, which is good. They’re leaving me on the waiting list so if anything sooner comes up again- they’ll call me.

Really ready for this to all be over. I’m so so tired.

currently living on ice pops. I’m eating regular food too because I do get hungry… but the only thing I ever really WANT? Is those stupid ice pops. God bless Kris- she bought me 2 more bags of them tonight. I’m just waitin for em to finish freezing.

In the meantime, time to rest a little. Even though the haircut and chilling with the family are not major activities… s’more energy than I really have to expend right now. Still will be glad to get my hair cut.

Tonight's Task

Tonight's Task

Marking in my “cancer book.”

I bought a little journal book at Office Max (it as a butterfly cutout on the front cover). I plan to put down all my meds, emergency contact numbers, names… notes about who can be told my info just in case, Dr.’s names and numbers, allergies blah blah blah.

Decided it was a good idea.

Somewhere in the middle of it I might even write down how I’m feeling. Or I may just keep spewing all of that here instead. Yeah, here is good
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OK.
Time to lie down.  Not looking forward to lying down.  Belly is so weird and distended again… maybe I need to buy like.. a thin pillow to rest under my stomach when I’m on my side…
Hmmm
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I Don't Know...

Why I’m so upset. I don’t really.

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I mean, obviously, I would prefer not to have Cancer, that’s kind of a duh statement. But the hysterectomy… it’s exactly what I wanted- like, a year ago. Longer even than that really.

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But the more I think about it, the more upset I get. I’m 30 years old. 30.

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30.

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I’m 30 years old and I have Cancer and they’re going to rip out my womb, and my ovaries, and everything tied along with it and leave me with what?

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A shell?

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I wanted a hysterectomy because I knew it would definitively fix my pain, and my discomfort, and my constant, never-ending fuckwad of menstrual issues. But what will be left when they take out my womb? What happens to that space in my body?

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Is it just… empty forever? What does it feel like when it’s gone?

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I’ve never… not noticed my uterus. Or my ovaries. It’s just always been such an issue… I can’t fathom those pieces of me just… not existing inside me anymore. And I know it’s for the best, I knew that a year ago… but now that it’s happening I can’t seem to stop wondering—

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what happens to the place where my babies were supposed to grow? what happens to the space it leaves behind?

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What kind of hole is that going to leave in me… truly? I’m not talking about the physical ramifications. I just mean…

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I don’t know what I mean.

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Who am I without that part of me?

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Who am I without that… potential?

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And yes, I decided a long time ago I wasn’t the “mom” type. That parenthood wasn’t the road I’m on. I decided a long time ago that by the time I was ready for a relationship it would be too late for kids anyway.

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But all of a sudden, now, for some reason… I’m devastated that the door is closing. That that choice will no longer be there for me to make in 5 years, in 10. And I can be as forward-thinking, and feminist as I want about it and spout all the things I’ve said about my uterus not making me a woman, about parenthood not defining a woman, about how those “biological imperatives” aren’t what define me as a woman.

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But at 12:30 at night on the day it was decided that my reproductive system needs to be scrubbed clean from my body… I look at my soft white breasts and think— no child will ever feed here. I touch a hand to my swollen, pain-racked belly and think— no child will ever kick inside of me. As cramps ripple my abdomen I think… this is the closest I will ever come to labor.

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And for the first time in my life, in all of the times I’ve railed against it, in all of the speeches I’ve given about not wanting it, not needing it, not having any desire for it—

I am desperately, achingly sad that I will never be able to change my mind. Because Cancer stole my choice.

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So to the babies I’ll never have, I’m sorry. Maybe there would never have been any, maybe not even one child. But maybe… I’m sorry. Because maybe someday I would have loved you spectacularly. Because despite all this pain, and anger, and frustration— I am soft, and warm, and loving. And maybe you would never have existed by me anyway… but maybe. I’m sorry. Because maybe someday I would have believed you were the best thing I ever made.

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I am 30 years old. And I have Cancer. And a single surgery will cure me. And for the first time in 10 years… I wonder if maybe I did want to give birth after all. And maybe I’m not sure how to process that loss. Maybe I’m not sure how to deal with losing that option. Because maybe secretly I thought someday I’d change my mind. And now I’ll never be able to.

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I don’t know how to process all of this. I don’t know how to handle it. And I feel very, very alone.

Thoughts

Been fucking uncomfortable all day.

Now I’m emotional, irrational, and just generally irritable.

I fucking hate this.

at least I’m not numb anymore, right?

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Snarfed a bag of cheetos so i could take my pain pills.

I think I’m going to have to call Dr. Daros and tell her I need something else though. Right now, those meds are not adequately managing my pain and discomfort. And it’s a month yet till I get into the specialist at UT Southwestern.

April 19th. I’ll meet the surgeon/specialist. Then we arrange a completely and total hysterectomy.

too many feels, not enough happiness.

Guess it’s time to take my cancerous womb to bed while it’s still mine.



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I’m getting exactly what I wanted..

So why the fuck am I so Angry and Sad?

Getting What I Wanted...

• Me: Just wish they'd take out the damn thing. I don't use it.
• Dr. 1: No, you're too young
• Me: I'm gay, I'm a virgin, I don't want kids, just take the damn thing
• Dr. 2: Well, we'll see. best to see about other options first just in case
• Me: Ugh. Why don't they listen? Just take it OUT
• Dr. 3: Yeah, you have cancer. We're going to do a complete hysterectomy
• Me: ...
• Dr. 3: It'll cure it, as long as it hasn't spread... complete hysterectomy- no more cancer.
• Me: :bawls inconsolably:

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That pretty much sums up everything to the last 5 minutes... minus the 2 hour nap-coma I just got up from.

This is what I wanted all along right? A hysterectomy-- I mean.. I fucking asked for it. I decided 2 years ago that at least a partial was the best thing for me because of how irregular and uncomfortable I always was.

And now that's what I'm getting. Officially.

So why the fuck am I suddenly so emotional about it? Woke up from napcoma and now i Just... can't seem to stop crying.

Behind on Points

I did finally manage to fall asleep.  But it was pretty late.  Didn’t get much quality rest.
Originally planned to go back to work after the appt. with the specialist today— but I think instead I’ll end up going home, go to bed early.

See the thing is not that I’m suddenly worse because they threw out the C word.  It’s just… it’s been a  year.  More than a year of pain and discomfort and exhaustion.  I was already kind of at the end of my rope physically when they did the D&C last week… and I was really expecting that to be the solution… not the beginning of the process.

The thing is, I’m starting this fight behind on points already.  I’m just so fucking tired.

Can't Sleep

Because I can’t get comfortable.  It’s been awhile since that’s happened.  Further evidence that surgery just made the day-to-day shit worse instead of better.
My belly is all distended.  Swollen.  The skin is taut and there is not a single position I can lie in and not be uncomfortable.  :sigh:  I want this to be fixed now.  I hate this so much there aren’t even words.

I’m so fucking tired and I can’t sleep because I CAN’T FUCKING GET COMFORTABLE!

Day Accomplished

Day accomplished.
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Managed only to cry in the office with boss and supervisor.  Then got hugged.  Which as it turns out… I kind of needed.  They just.. surrounded me.  There are a lot of things about my job that suck, that are unfair and too much to handle.  But the people are really amazing.
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Told my 2 closest people there at lunch.  Told another later on in the day.  It’s weird… because part of me wants to just.. .send out a memo:
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Hey, if SarahCate acts a little cookoo in the next few days… it’s just because she was diagnosed with Cancer and she’s kind of dealing with that right now.
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And on the other hand, I almost want to keep it a secret.  I don’t know.
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Called the specialist (I refuse to call him an oncologist, I won’t.  You can’t fuckin make me either).  Appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.
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Mom and grandmother are coming with me— not sure how I feel about that.  We may have to lay some emotional ground rules on this play.  Like— I can’t deal with your guilt over giving me up for adoption during all this.  I have enough to handle without worrying that you feel guilty because you weren’t there.  And..  no nose scrunching or disappointed gazes when I talk about being a lesbian.  I know you don’t like it, I know you don’t approve— but right now, that’s really so far beside the point it’s practically another planet.
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I’m not thrilled that the specialist is a guy.  Like, super not thrilled.  But I’m so fucking tired you know?  Someone said today— “You have to cut yourself a little slack.  You just found out you have Cancer… but you’ve been living with Cancer for so long already.  You’re allowed to be tired.”
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And I guess they’re right technically.  I mean… it was already Cancer, they just— didn’t know it until yesterday.
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I just
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I keep wanting to cry you know?  But then… nothing  happens.  And I keep wanting someone to sort of— scoop me up and hold onto me so tight I can hardly breathe and just… sit there with me until I do cry, until I feel SOMETHING about all of this.

Diagnosis

The Official update:

      My lab results came back and the news is not good. I do have Cancer. It’s endometroid carcinoma. It’s very aggressive, but also very common. The good news is that as long as it hasn’t spread, it’s something that can be dealt with surgically and without chemo or radiation.
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       I will be calling the specialist tomorrow to set up an appointment with him. He’ll handle all of the testing, lab work, etc to ensure that the Cancer has not spread outside of my uterus.
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      Once he determines it hasn’t spread, then we’ll put together a plan for surgical remedy (my personal preference is a hysterectomy but I’ll know more once I meet with him).
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      For the frequently asked questions:

-I’m ok. Really. In all honesty I sort of expected to get a Cancer diagnosis out of all of this, and of the bad options— this is probably the best of the bunch.
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-I will continue to work. As normally as possible.
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-My health insurance is very good. And hopefully the cancer-insurance I just signed up for will be viable if I need it since I signed the paperwork before diagnosis.
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-Mostly what I need… is just love and support and your continued prayers.
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      In all honesty, this doesn’t change much about my day to day life for the moment. It does mean that the D&C is not going to be the solution I’d hoped for.. which means living with discomfort and some pain for a while longer yet. And I have to believe that it hasn’t spread yet. In the last year, ever blood test has come back normal. Every chest xray I’ve had during respiratory infections… has come back normal. My EKG’s have come back normal. The only health issue I have genuinely dealt with in the last year— is this.
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      I’m taking that as hopeful and a positive sign that this will be limited to my uterus and able to be dealt with surgically.
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      I will keep FB updated as things progress, but for now there’s not much to report except that they’ve confirmed Cancer and I’m about to begin a lot of testing.
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      I love and appreciate every single person on this page… and I appreciate so much the prayers and support I’ve gotten over the last year that I’ve been dealing with this. I am going to be OK. This doesn’t change anything— except that now we know what exactly we’re dealing with. Now, the scariest part is over. All that’s left is to figure out how bad, and how to fix it.
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      If you want to reach out to me by phone and you have my number, please feel free to do so. You may want to text me your number and name first as my phone lost a chunk of it’s contacts. And please understand if I don’t answer… there’s going to be a lot of phone calls in the next few days especially.
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     I love you all and am grateful to have so much support while I move through this phase of my life.

The Year Cancer Stole

       I decided that, rather than plague my regular blog with all my bitching, moaning, and updating about Cancerwatch 2012… I’d just… set up a sideblog for it.  And that way people that want to know what’s going on can follow or check in… and those that don’t— don’t have to see it.

      Why “The Year Cancer Stole”?   Well… because this all started last January.  So really… we’re on a year + that I’ve been dealing with this shit… even though I was just diagnosed on Monday.
So here it is.  Welcome to my cancer blog.  woopdifreakindo.

With a Capital C

I keep looking in the mirror, expecting to see… I don’t know- a big letter C carved in my forehead.

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Some calling card on my body that will announce my Cancer before I have to. Do you know what it’s like to have to call people and tell them you have Cancer? My best friend and I decided there needs to be a new greeting card niche:

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“Hi, I love you but I had to say,

I found out I have Cancer today.

When you’re done freaking out

Then give me a call,

Peace and best wishes…

My love to you all.”

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Catchy right?

I called most of the folks I needed to tell “in person.” And I’ll talk to work tomorrow when I go in. Anyone else is finding out via FB… or here. :shrug:

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How am I supposed to feel? I’m not surprised… I’ve known deep down that it was Cancer since this all started last year. So the first major emotional response is already moot. I’ve spent 5 separate phone calls trying to make other people feel better. Because… I’m too numb to even need comforting at this point. Nothing’s changed really… it’s just that now it has a name.

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Cancer.

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Funny… I can’t seem to type it without using a capital C.

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Cancer.

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For the rest of my life I’ll be a girl who had Cancer.

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I have Cancer.

People to Call

1. Kris

1. Bfam (went better than expected)

2. Dad (yeah, that one sucked)

3. Ra

4. Paul

5. Feleshia

6. Aunt B

7. Carolyn

Have you ever heard your super-analytical father try not to cry on the phone while sitting in his living room 1500 miles away?

Who

Who do you call first?

when the doctor tells you you have cancer.

The Thing About Birth Control

I’m back from the hospital, sore, tired, and glad to be home. And on the way home we were talking about all of this legislation about birth control and reproductive rights, and what legislators (and other talking heads) do and don’t know and understand about birth control.

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And it seemed so apropos of this week, as I come home to recover from my D&C, to point out that education about birth control in this country is abominable— at best. And here’s why:

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I am a 30 year old virgin. I’m a lesbian. I have no worries, or fears about accidentally finding myself pregnant because I had sex. I’m a virgin partly by choice and partly by circumstance but the point is that’s not really important. Yesterday, I went to the hospital to have a D&C because my uterus, for whatever reason, stopped shedding the way it’s supposed to. And it’s not really a new problem for me. I got my first period at the age of nine and I have never once been regular.

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All my life I’ve had long periods of time where I wouldn’t bleed at all, or I’d go months without a period and then I’d flood for 3 days and pass clots. In all that time, no one ever said— hey, maybe you should ask about birth control.

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Even as I got older, no one suggested birth control to me. In my upbringing, birth control was just that- Birth. Control. It was for the “slutty” girls, the sexually active girls, the ones with “no self-respect.” The ones who wanted to go out and screw anyone they came across. No one told me that birth control had another purpose. No one told me that there was another use for it.

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It didn’t help that with my sexual abuse history, I put off going to the gynecologist until I was desperate, but the point is that in all those years of school, in all those sex-education and abstinence education (thank you Catholic high school)— no one ever said— this is MEDICINE. This is something that will regulate what happens to your body so that it does what it’s intended to do if for some reason it won’t do it on its own.

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If someone had told me when I was 15.. hey, there’s this drug that can regulate that for you, that can make your schedule normal, and typical, and predictable. It can help with your pain, it can help make things the way they SHOULD be… maybe I wouldn’t have spent the night in a hospital with an epidural catheter in my back and an iv on my arm and fear in my chest. If someone had told me when I was 18, hey there’s a drug that can help with that… maybe I wouldn’t have had a panic attack in the prep room, I wouldn’t have had to be afraid and anxious and stressed out. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to miss work. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to have lived with pain for over a year. Maybe my whole reproductive life would have been different— if someone had just told me that Birth Control was for more than just… preventing birth.

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We have a responsibility to teach our children about their bodies. And about the things that exist to heal, and sooth, and regulate, and normalize all of the processes that happen with their bodies. And that includes taking away the stigma that birth control is what “sluts” take to keep from getting “knocked up.” It includes teaching girls that it is ok to say, “My body isn’t doing what it should be.” It’s ok to say, “I think there is something wrong with my periods.” It’s ok to say, “I think I might need birth control.”

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And we have a responsibility to stop stigmatizing those medications. Because no thirty year old woman should have to break down in terror at the thought of a simple D&C. Because if I’d been on the pill at 15… or 18… or even 20— my night in the hospital might have just been completely unnecessary.

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The point of this is not to say that those who want birth control for.. birth control are any less deserving of it. Or that they should be looked down on, or judged… this is not about “slut-shaming” (which I am vehemently against). This is about the need to take away an old, stuffy, white-man’s ignorance about a medication that is more than justbirth control, so that those with medical need don’t have to fight with his bigotry in order to get what they need to be functional. So that those with any need, don’t have to fight bigotry to get what they need.

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We have to raise a new generation of woman— and men. So that when our grandchildren go to their doctors they know that there are medications out there that can help them- even if their title seems limiting. And so that their doctors know that birth control is so much more than that. So that when our legislators gather to pass laws and set regulations— they are not blinded by bigotry and ignorance. Female reproductive health affects everyone. And if you don’t understand it, you can’t possibly hope to fairly legislate it. We have a responsibility to raise a generation that is better educated than this one— so that when they come to office they will see their forefathers mistakes and dis-assemble them. So that they will recognize laws made in fear and ignorance and have the knowledge and the confidence to right those wrongs.

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Today I found out I have Cancer. 

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I keep thinking it will sound less strange if I keep saying it, but it doesn’t.  If you are a parent, if you are a teacher in a position to speak about it, if you are a friend, a sister, an aunt, an older cousin… if there are younger women in your lives… give them a safe space to talk about their bodies.
Teach them that birth control is not just about preventing babies.  Teach them that going to the gynecologist is not something to be afraid of.  Teach them that if they have been molested, or abused, or raped that getting checked and tested and examined is even more important.
Teach the women in your lives that fear doesn’t stop disease.

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Teach them that ignorance does not equal bliss.  Teach them that if one doctor shuts them down… they need to find another.  Teach them to be friends with their bodies, to not let anyone shame their size or weight.  Teach them that if one doctor dismisses them because they’re “fat” that they need to find another who will listen.

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Teach the women in your lives that their health matters.  That preventative screenings matter.  That living in fear of being touched does not outweigh the benefits of early detection.
I have Cancer.  And maybe if someone had given me that safety way back when, I wouldn’t.

Beast

Found this while I was clearing off my desk for the 15 Minutes I decided to sit at my desk today. :sigh:

Very appropriate… forgot I’d written this.

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Beast:

Pain is a beast with razor claws

and poisoned teeth.

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It rips and shreds at my belly within

no blood, no markings on my skin.

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It rages and roars in quiet destruction

taking over my life, a grievous abduction.

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i swallow small pills, I pray for relief

but the monster just laughs

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You can’t stop a beast.