Someone Else's Cancer

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I don’t know how. Every time I actually talk to someone- I start crying. I can’t even help it.. Called Kris to ask if she’d get me something to eat finally (I haven’t actually eaten anything since lunch yesterday… aside from ice pops) and just… started crying.

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Like I opened my mouth and tears started falling. Like they’re fucking linked together.

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How do I go back to work if every time I open my mouth I start to cry? Every time some bitchyass customer comes at me about their stupid car I just want to scream at them. Every time a coworker says something nice, I just… dissolve. I can’t deal with the world right now, I just can’t.

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And I’m so angry. Because I’m fucking 30 years old, and before the summer is up I will lose every possibility of ever having children. Ever. And it shouldn’t matter, it shouldn’t. I decided I didn’t want that a long time ago. I mean jesus, last year I ASKED for a partial hysto.

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And maybe that’s the problem. Last year, it was a choice. Last year it was… take out my uterus but leave my eggs. Last year I still left myself this option. And now it’s not a choice, and there is no option because they have to take out all of it. Everything.

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And in a sea of people telling me “it’s going to be fine” I want someone, anyone… one person to gather me up and hold onto me and say, “this is awful and I’m so so sorry.”

I already had my share of shit in my life. I don’t fucking deserve this. This is someone else’s Cancer, not mine. I don’t fucking deserve this shit.