Easter

Easter has always been a bit problematic for me. The thing is, this time of year is just- difficult. And while this year I’ve really tried to avoid going down the “spring always sucks” road that I tend to get lost on… it seems like the “spring always sucks” keeps holding true nonetheless.

In 7th grade, my brother (adopted) got sick and then passed away (he was 11, I was 12… he was severely handicapped, profoundly retarded… it wasn’t exactly a surprise to be honest). When I was 22, my mom (adopted) suddenly got sick and passed away as well while being tested to get on the liver transplant list. I spent 4 days in April watching her die. :shudder:

And typically all the years in between, from Feb-April or so, my life just seems to go to shit. It’s when I’ve had the most relapses emotionally/mentally. It’s when I’ve done my most and worst self-injury. It’s host to most of my suicide attempts. For some reason, (even when it’s not my fault at all), It’s also when most of the jobs that disappear, disappear. I was happily and blissfully working at Dickies Medical… when that job shut down completely in April of 2009.

This year (and last year too really) I’ve really turned my thinking around a lot, and tried to treat it like any other time of the year. And so, mentally and emotionally- things have in general been a lot better. But when I sat down this morning and thought about it— I realized that even though my attitude has changed… the universe still seems determined to take the shit on me in March/April.

Last year, this is when my really bad symtoms started- end of March, beginning of April. This year, I was in the hospital on the 15th of March, and diagnosed with cancer on the 19th. I’ve been battling my worsening symptoms ever since, and having to find ways to deal with still working full time while I feel like Im sort of… disintegrating waiting for this stupid oncology appointment.

I’m tired and frustrated and in all honesty, I hadn’t even put it all together until this morning. I just want to throw my hands in the air and go “welp. It’s fucking Spring alright! Happy fucking Easter to me!”

But I’m trying so hard not to fall into that. That’s a downard spiral I don’t have time for right now. So this is me. Acknowledging that the universe is being a complete and utter shit as usual… and vowing not to let it pull me back down. Next year… this will be better. Next year this Spring Vendetta against my sanity will not happen. I won’t let it.