For the First Time

For the first time...

Today for the first time, I woke up and thought… “I’m really sick.” Like it’s something that’s actually happening to me.

And I’m surprised not by finally being able to carry the thought at all, but that sitting with it didn’t upset me so much. Therapy yesterday helped I think. I’ve been so busy just… trying to go as long as I can, counting down to my appointment at UT that even though I’ve said it in some form or another along the way, I’ve spent a lot of energy not accepting it about myself.

I’m sick. I’m really sick. I have Cancer. I have tumors. I need surgery. I may need chemo. I’m sick.

But I’ll be ok. I mean, eventually. If my lymph nodes aren’t involved yet, I’ll be ok… sooner rather than later.

I’ve spent so long qualifying this as.. pain. It seems strange to suddenly be so at ease saying that “I’m really sick.”

That probably doesn’t make much sense to most people. But for some reason, this moment is kind of huge to me. I’m really sick.

wow. I guess I’m done disassociating myself from what’s happening in my body. Maybe that will just make it that much easier to fight it.