Awfulizing

The first time I had a therapist that actually did *some* good, I was in the depths of a really severe anxiety disorder. To the point that for a period of time in my life, I couldn’t work, go to school… really do anything at all.

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And the thing that helped me most at that time was a technique she called “awfulizing.” Because I’d panic at the slightest bit of bad news, or the smallest most insignificant setback. So she started asking me, within the safety of our sessions at first, but then in my daily life at large, to awfulize situations as I experienced them. Basically take the shitty thing that just happened, and go with… what’s the worst possible outcome of that? Then… what’s the worst possible outcome of that? then.. the worst possible outcome of that… and so on and so forth.

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And as fucked up as it sounds, that actually worked really really well for me because 1 of 2 things would always happen: 1)I’d realize how stupid my anxieties really were because logic would eventually kick in or 2)I’d awfulize myself to the point where in my mental pathway I ended up dead one way or another. Since at the time suicide was not an entirely unwelcome option… it soothed me.

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I haven’t done that in a long time. A loong loong time. But with everything that’s going on, I had a moment of panic where I decided to try the technique again. The problem is… with the Cancer- ultimately… the worst possible outcome is that I die. It’s unlikely. It’s one of the less likely scenarios, but it is the worst possible outcome if things line up “correctly.”

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The problem is.. in the last few years I’ve come to really love my life. I’ve come to really love the potential that it is, the potential that I have. So that awfulizing road that ends with … died of Cancer- doesn’t make me feel better at all.

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I guess this is the part where I confess that as unlikely as it may be… I am terrified that my Cancer has spread. I am terrified of this surgery. I am terrified that it is so much worse than we realize. I am terrified at the idea of chemo, and radiation, and treatment, and all of it. I am terrified of everything that’s happening to me, everything that could happen in the next few weeks and I honestly don’t know how to even begin dealing with it.

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Popular school of thought would be… don’t think about it unless absolutely necessary. Why awfulize at this point when all it does is upset me… quite possibly unnecessarily?

I keep trying to be positive. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am genuinely terrified of what’s happening to me. I just want this to all be over and done with. I just want to be healthy again.