Leave

I won’t lie, I’m a little nervous about tomorrow.

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Kris is going to take me to the office so I can get my paycheck and talk to E. about my leave. But I’m so nervous I’m going to either blow up, or say something I regret, or let her totally railroad me into something.

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I plan to use my 2 weeks vacation up first, then by that time I’ll have a better idea of when I’ll be able to go back, and will have my FMLA paperwork filled out to turn in.

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In 2 days without me, I wonder if they’ve realized how much I actually do. Could be interesting to see if they’re drowning yet. If not, they likely will be soon. I think the main thing is going to be keeping me from flipping out with all of my frustration. Because in all honesty, the reason I put off dealing with all of this for so long was because I was so freaking busy and despite repeated requests for help with my workload, it was a constant string of empty promises. And now I’m stuck. uterus filled with tumors, waiting for path results to decide how “bad” my Cancer really is.

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And part of me wants to go in tomorrow and just… point my finger and yell and blame them. I want to be angry. I want them to take responsibility. But I need to be calm. I need to be… docile. Because I can’t afford to get fired in a tiff when I definitely need the insurance so desperately.

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So I’ll be good. As good as I can be. And I’ll hope that they won’t push my buttons. Because I don’t know if I can bite my tongue if they do. I’ve poured my blood sweat and tears into this job, into my accounts. And when I stop to think about how I could have had this figured out months ago, had it taken care of… have avoided at least SOME of this pain if I’d just stood up and said, “HIRE HELP SO I CAN BE AWAY TO DO THIS” it kind of… makes me angry.

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I need to stay calm tomorrow. I need to not jeopardize my job until after I’m done with Cancer.