Waiting

When Kris gets home we’re going to walmart. I need to pickup a couple things, including a bag to pack for the hospital for whenever the fuck that actually happens.

.

It’s not a particularly good time in my head right now. I’m incredibly frustrated and fighting some depression about all of this. Not having those lab results yet is fucking with my head, and I’m in so much pain right now it’s actually kind of ridiculous.

.

I keep thinking I can’t take any more pain, and then it comes back and blossoms and I realize there is so much more that you can live through than you ever expect. Not that you necessarily want to at a certain point.

.

I am not a good patient. I’m not good as a sick person. I’m not good at not being in control. I’m not good at being in pain.

.

I cried a lot today. I want to give up. I’m done with people on FB selling me platitudes. I just want this to be over. It’s been more than a year of pain and discomfort and fear and anxiety and I’m fucking done.

.

I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the store.

.

I just… I don’t know how much more “waiting” I have in me right now. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take right now. And there’s still this part of my brain that goes, “other people have it so much worse than you do.” But the rest of me? The rest of me just wants it to be over.