Deep Thoughts

This whole… Cancer experience has been so weird for me. I was always so healthy you know? I mean yeah, I’d get respiratory infections at the drop of a hat but nothing serious. And pain was never a problem. I spent so many years self-injuring I’ve got an unreal tolerance for it really. I guess that should have been everyone’s first clue really. When the girl who doesn’t feel pain is bent over with it… :shrug:

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I’m looking forward to that going away. To not worrying about constantly being in pain, having to set an alarm for pills. And this… year+ of constant bleeding… be glad to do away with that to I suppose. Makes swim season a bit easier right?

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And emotionally… I dunno. After my abuse, after all of my self-abuse, after all the years of sexual fear and repression and terror and hiding… maybe this will be the final thing that pops the cork so to speak. Maybe after this is over… it’ll be like… a physical manifestation of all the work I’ve been doing emotionally. Someone I care a lot about made that connection today. I’d like her to be right. I’d like to be done and over and be able to stand in body and feel… sexual for once. Instead of afraid. Instead of… vaguely dirty. Instead of… unsafe. Spent so many years divorcing myself from my sexuality and feelings, so many years divorcing myself from my desires. Because of what he did to me. Maybe this will be the final step- the one that… lets it all go once and for all.

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I don’t know. I’m not really sure what to feel about it all. I mean… they’re taking out everything. My uterus, my tubes, my ovaries… all of it. Probably the lymph nodes too by the sound of it all. Will it feel different? Physically? Emotionally? I asked a friend once who’d had a hysterectomy.. if she could tell, afterwards.. inside… physically if it felt different. Her response was, “no, I mean, how aware are you of your uterus on a daily basis anyway?”.

Except… I’m always aware. I never have a moment when I can’t FEEL something inside. Because of the pain. Because of the tumors. Because it’s enlarged. I don’t remember anymore, a day where I didn’t… feel that inside me. I think it will be odd. Empty. Better- I have to assume. :shrug:

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I don’t know. I say that a lot these days. A friend asked if I was going to see my therapist again.. but I don’t even know what to say anymore. I don’t even know how scared to be- until I know if it’s spread there’s not even really a threshold for concern. I hope it hasn’t, at least then it’s “easy.” But ugh. It’s too late to think about this shit. I should shut up and go to bed while my pain pills are actually working and I can maybe get some sleep.

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:sigh: Deep thoughts too late at night. And no answers to be had at the end of it all. At least not yet.