3 Days

Took my pill. Still in pain. It’s been a really odd couple of days pain-wise. Not sure what’s up with that. Appetite is shrinking, yet again. :sigh:.

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I’m ready for this to be over, but at the same time I’m still really scared about Monday. I walked into the kitchen a bit ago and told Kris I’d decided that the best course of action is to hire a stand-in. She can do the surgery for me and I can reap the rewards.

I get that it doesn’t work that way, but it was a really nice idea. For a minute you know?

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I know I keep saying it, but I just can’t wrap my head around it all. I just can’t. I mean, Cancer, seriously? Tumors? I looked up anatomy diagrams today, because that’s how lame a day I’ve been having. I wanted to see, to know exactly what’s going to be missing you know? They’re taking out so much. Ovaries, Fallopian tubes, Uterus, (not sure if my cervix is going too or not but I suspect so). Gutting. And I know it’s good, it’s for the best, I know that.

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But I just can’t believe that in 3 days I’ll be… empty. Empty of things that I’ve always equated with my … womanhood (?). I mean, logically I know it’s so much more than that, that my identity as a woman is so much more than my parts and pieces. I’ve preached that to others now for a long time. I’ve plenty of trans friends who I don’t consider any less “woman” than I am who’ve never had those parts.

So why am I so caught up on it in myself? I don’t know how to sort out all of my emotions about everything that’s happening. I want to be able to… separate it all: the hysterectomy, the cancer, the tumors, the pain, the reproductive aspects, put them each in their own boxes and deal with them one at a time but it doesn’t work like that does it?

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To say nothing of the moments when I worry about what happens when I go back to work finally. One thing at a time right?

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It’s just.. my whole life is about to change so incredibly drastically and I don’t know how to process it. I guess there’s part of me that’s afraid I’m going to… break again. The way I used to be. I’m stronger than that. I know I am. And my support system is so much stronger. It’s just… so much.

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Why do I allow myself to blog at 1am? Seriously, it’s just a bunch of trash from my head that I don’t let myself think about during the day. I’ve got start setting a limit on this bullshit.