Work

I was thinking about how weird it will be to go back to work when this is all over. Not just to MY job, assuming I still have one there by that time, but to ANY job.

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My life, and yes, even my work have been profoundly affected by this for more than a year now. When you factor in all the days I worked in excruciating pain, the mistakes I no doubt made, the changes that rolled out that I couldn’t even bother to pay attention to really, the days I probably should have stayed late but was absolutely physically unable to…

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And then since April 12th- I haven’t been there at all. In my industry that’s essentially 3 whole cycles of customers so far, to say nothing of the major structural changes that were being made to our way of handling business as I left.

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When I go back, someone (several someones actually) completely different (and relatively new) will have been handling my customers and my clients during the busiest and most stressful time of our, and their, business year. Can I even GO back to that?

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I think that Kris (and I won’t deny it… I am too) is kind of hoping that by the time I am cleared to go back to work, my FMLA period will have expired and there won’t even BE a place for me there. I have to admit, that neither of us are entirely opposed to me really and truly getting a FRESH start post-Cancer. There’s a part of me that disagrees with that idea… only because I spent 2 years at this company (the longest I’ve worked for a single company EVER, generally by no fault of my own), and I have really worked hard and made some major, MAJOR turnarounds with some of our biggest name clients. There are definitely companies that work with us, and started to finally increase the business they give us-becauseof me. I have one client that I am fairly sure is not sending us any moves right now. Because she hates our company- but loves me. (If I ever move to NJ… she’s even offered me a job. That won’t happen, I like TX too much).

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I am the one that gets handed the problem children. Which is funny because out of all of the folks that were there and arrived after me for a long time? I was the one with the least related experience. But I have a knack for people, and for figuring out what my clients really actually need. And then doing it. And being a human being about it. And that made a huge difference. There is an account that we have been on the verge of losing pretty much since 6 months after they signed with us. I not only saved the relationship, but we started receiving new (and returning had been gone) sub-clients from them.

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And there is a part of me that is so insanely proud of that and hates the thought of not having that opportunity anymore. I do, and would, miss my clients. Genuinely. Some of my accounts and the people I work with there, I have genuine affection for and already miss quite a bit.

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But on the other hand, this job is a bit torturous. That’s not really an exaggeration. The hours in the summer tend to range from 10-12-14. It’s a 24-7 job. It means having a dedicated (must be answered) cell phone, and a laptop that comes home on weekends.

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Sometimes it means not seeing friends or family because you have to leave an event to deal with a crisis. That’s just the way it is. And it sucks. The stress attached with this job is phenomenal… unhealthy even for someone like myself who has trouble leaving things unfinished and unresolved. Before I got sick I’d managed to find a kind of relatively decent balance with it all. But it didn’t change the fact that the job was having an effect on my stress and on my whole life really.

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Is that something I want to go back to?

Especially after all of this, seeing how important my LIFE and my sanity and my health really are?

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I don’t know the answer to that right now.

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I have known for… 6-8 years now that an office job is not where I will spend the rest of my working life. At some point, I will be able to live off of my photography- I know this. So the question becomes- do I go back (if I even can) and work until I can drum up the photography side of my career on the side and hope that doesn’t take another 5 years?

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Or: do I let this be a chance to really and truly start over? Do I not go back but instead… find something I can do from home feasibly. Find something where the hours are better regulated and don’t have the kind of out-of-office commitment that this does so that I HAVE the time to dedicate to becoming a better and better known photographer? Or… do I chuck it all for awhile and let Kris help me and focus all of my post-treatment energy on really building up my life as a photographer? Spending the time I would spend at a day job going out and shooting and getting my work OUT in the world where it can get seen and appreciated and ultimately— represented, marketed, and sold.

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I know once I can get back into the swing of my art fiscal stability is possible on just my art alone. I know what I’m capable of is good enough for that.

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The truth is… this may all be a moot point. I’m not precisely sure when my FMLAisup. I’m calling in to HR tomorrow to give them the latest update. But right now, my tentative back to work date is August 6th as per my Oncology Nurse. The sheer fact of the matter is- I may not have a job to go back to by then. And then it becomes a decision for me, and for Kris, and for my family who would no doubt have to be helpful and supportive of the downtime as to what route I take from there.

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I don’t know what the answer is.

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But either way… if I go one of the traditional “job” routes- it will be very weird to follow someone else’s rules again, and to not be in charge of my time anymore. The treatment schedule runs me for about an hour every day… 6-7 hours on Thursdays. But outside of that- I am limited only by my energy and the severity of the side effects. At the very least I have the time and access to write, to do small scale photography projects, to play games, to relax, to rest, to read and learn and participate in discussions and even arguments that I haven’t had the energy or time to do in the last 2 years that I’ve been with my company.

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And I have to admit, I kind of enjoy that freedom- who wouldn’t? I’d prefer that I had the energy to use this time to force myself out to take photos- but my body has other ideas about that right now. :shrug:

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Like I said, I don’t know what the answer is. It may get decided FOR me in the end.

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But either way, I’ll be ok. My future is bright and waiting. And I will get my Cancer-free bill of health, and I will do whatever I need to do to make that life worthwhile in a way I hadn’t before.

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In the meantime… I’m hoping this won’t be ANOTHER sleepless night. A 4 hour nap during chemo does not wipe out a completely sleepless night before. We’ll see.

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I am worth so much more than I believed I was when I took this job in 2010. My life is worth so much more. Maybe it’s time to put some faith in the universe and believe that this is making way and clearing a path for me to do what I’m really supposed to be doing. :shrug: