2 Years

When I was waiting to go back for the xrays on Tuesday, there were women coming and going to their own treatments in the “dressing area.” And one of the women as I was finally leaving started chatting with me, which was unfortunate for her because I’m awkward as hell, even worse when I’m as anxious as I was.

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But she asked what “round” I was on and I said that I hadn’t actually started and wouldn’t until Thursday. She said she had been doing radiation for 2 years.

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Two. Years.

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And even though I’m relatively certain this is not a 2 year thing for me… I think that was the first time that it really clicked in my head how bad this is. How bad it could have been. Tonight, I made the mistake of googling cisplatin which is the chemo I’ll be getting starting at 9am today. I watched a couple of videos, looked through some terrifying photos and read a couple of people’s blog posts about receiving it as treatment. Most of the posts I found were more side-effect focused, but nonetheless all I’ve really managed to do is re-affirm just how incredibly serious this whole Cancer thing is about to get.

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You’d think the hemorrhaging in the Oncologists office would have done it… or the hysterectomy, or the infection, or even the port implant. But no. It was some random stranger confessing she was in year 2 of her radiation treatment.

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I don’t know what kind of Cancer she has, or how widespread it was, or what else they’ve done for her. But hearing 2 years… broke me in a whole different way for some reason. And for the first time I am really not sure if I am actually strong enough to do this.

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I know people will fire back, “of course you are,” and “you are, you know it” and “you’ve got this beat,” and I love the confidence, and I say it often too, even now. But honestly ever since Tuesday, in this very small, very quiet but very… pervasive part of my mind all I can think is, “I can’t do this.” Because I am just so very incredibly scared.

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I’ve lived through my share of shit, more than my share really as those in the know will readily agree. I fought hard to get to this unbroken space in my head and in my heart. And if I’m honest, if I’m reallyreallyhonest… when that woman told me she’d been doing this for 2 years… there was a piece of me that broke again. In 5 and a half weeks this should all (presumably) be pretty much over. In 8 weeks it should be completely done. But I’ve said should before in this journey and shoulds haven’t really worked out that well in practice for me this year.

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I’ll fight it because I have to. I’ll fight it because I have no other choice. I’ll fight it because I’m not interested in laying down and giving up the life that I have already fought so hard to achieve.

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But if I’m really really honest… right this second, right now… there is a big broken piece of me that half-believes it won’t work. And I am more terrified of that than of anything else in my entire life. Because what if I just don’t have enough battles left in me? What if I’m just… done?

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What if it doesn’t work?

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Could I go through it all again? Could I be the woman in the room fighting for two years?

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No. In all honesty, I don’t think I could.

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So what if it doesn’t work?

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See. I told you.

Broken.