Awake Again

Awake. Again.

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Still.

Whatever.

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Took a nausea pill but it hasn’t really kicked in yet so things are a little iffy. I don’t understand how it can be possible to be this physically and emotionally tired and still not be able to fall asleep.

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I’ve had bouts of insomnia throughout most of my life. I’m really kind of a night person anyway so to a certain extent it’s not even necessarily insomnia. Except every few years it happens.

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The last time it was really really bad (like… not too much worse than this to be honest) was when I moved in with dad after I left UNT. I never slept. There would be times when I would be awake for 36+ hours with not a single nap, or drop off, or pause. I’d write nonstop, I’d watch movies, and I’d feel myself losing touch.

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I won’t lie that the last few weeks leading up to where I am now- have started to really mimic some of that sensation. I’ve cut caffeine almost completely. I try to wind down at the end of the day, give myself some real dedicated quiet/dark time to ease into it. But all I do is lay in my bed and feel like my skin is crawling. Or like i’m too hot and too cold all at once.

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and I know, I’m not an idiot: I know treatment is causing at least SOME of that. But the drugs they gave me aren’t working. The only thing that seems to genuinely put me to sleep- is the iv injection of ativan. I take the pill form at night. It doesn’t. do. shit.

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So I’m exhausted. To the point of added nausea. To the point of depression. To the point of feeling like I can’t function around the moodiness and stress and sheer exhaustion. And it’s not because I’m not tired. Apparently tired has nothing to do with it. And once I do zonk out, I can sleep fairly deeply, even wake up feeling rested to a certain degree. But falling asleep has become something really torturous for me. And I don’t know what to do about it.

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I have an appt. at the sleep clinic up at UT on the of July. But jesus, how do I even begin to survive that long? emotionally, mentally… fuck that- physically?

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I just want so desperately to be able to fucking SLEEP.