Supertherapist

I don’t have regular therapy sessions anymore although I may set up sessions every other week once treatment starts. I did maange to get a squeeze in with SuperTherapist on Thursday.

.

Which is good, because I definitely need a chance to get down and dirty and honest about all my… Cancer Feels.

.

The only problem is because I see her so rarely, I always spend my random sessions talking about the good things, because part of me wants my therapist to be proud of me.. heh, I can’t help it… it’s the people-pleaser in me.

.

But I need to really TALK to her. Because I may lose it if I don’t. I try, as much as possible to keep a positive, everything will be fine, no big deal front up as much as I can. Even the complaints that do get to the blog, or to my friends and family are pretty … surface really. My nausea, my tiredness. But the truth is I am terrified of this, all of it. Hell, I’m still terrified of my incision and it’s almost fully healed now.

.

I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety and as much as I try to hide it, I honestly, truly, do not know how to deal with Having Cancer. I just fucking don’t. I’m not dealing with it. The closest I’ve come to dealing with it directly was to get my head almost shaved. And even that I turned into a party— so I wouldn’t have to sit and cry while it was happening.

.

As much of a “brave” face as I put on day to day, I don’t know how to handle this I just don’t.