Unknowns

I start radiation tomorrow.

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I start Chemo on Thursday.

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I am trying very hard not to be terrified but my anxiety disorder is NOT helping right now.

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I used to have debilitating social anxiety. To the point that there have been extended periods in my life where school and/or work were actually impossible for me. In fact when I left college it was because of my anxiety disorder. I’ve not been back and that was almost 10 years ago now.

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In the last couple of years I’ve really worked hard to get a handle on my anxiety and to be able to manage it mostly on my own: no meds, minimal therapy. Not that there’s anything wrong with meds or therapy, I just personally prefer not to use them if I can avoid it. (I suck at remembering to take pills for one thing). So the fact that I’ve been in my position at work long enough to be offered a promotion, to have been given new accounts, to have been trusted with high-profile clients and situations is really amazing. To say nothing of the social life that I was enjoying thoroughly before I got sick.

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But there is so much unknown for me with Cancer, and treatment, and all of this. New people, new doctors, new places, new situations, new experiences. And I am completely overwhelmed. I’ve been hiding out at home a lot trying to minimize my exposure, which is one of the tricks I used early on my anxiety recovery. But tomorrow I start radiation. Thursday I start Chemo. And so not only am I dealing with all the heavy emotional and physical crap that goes along with all of that anyway, I am also trying desperately to reign in my anxiety over situations I’m unfamiliar with. With the realization that I will likely not be the only Cancer patient having Chemo on Thursday. New experiences, new people, new places. And a lower-than-average tolerance for all of the above as it is.

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I bought headphones today when I got groceries, just some cheap ones, so I can take my laptop/phone and listen to music or watch a movie if I start to get overwhelmed… but I am so incredibly anxious about all of this. And it’s been a long time since I’ve lived with that in the pit of my stomach this way. Now I remember why I worked so hard to move past it. But of course, this is not your average situation and some of my old tricks aren’t as effective as they once were.

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I know I’ll be fine, and in a week, maybe 2, it’ll all be old hat to me. But I am still scared and anxious and wanting to run away.

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Of course it doesn’t help that I probably will not be back at work before my 12 week FMLA is up and I will be stuck looking for another job which is a major source of anxiety for me at any time. Couple the regular anxiety about new places, people, experiences with having to learn new skills under scrutiny. :blegh:

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Trying not to worry about that too much until I have to because.. one day at a time and all that embroidered-on-a-pillow shit.

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Anyway… I guess this is just a post acknowledging my own fears because I feel like I haven’t really be honest with myself about some of my really underlying issues with all of this and it’s not helping me deal or get over them to just stuff them like they don’t exist.

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:sigh: Aren’t you glad you wasted your time reading all this? Sorry ‘bout that. Carry on.