Sometimes

Honestly, sometimes I feel so stupid complaining. I mean, the truth is… it could be so so so much worse.

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But we’ve spent all this time, all these steps functioning on this… “best case scenario” philosophy. And while I recognize that even when things haven’t gone according to the best case we planned for, they could have gone so much worse… we keep missing the best-case ending.

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And I am scared. And tired. And frustrated. And knowing that it could be so much worse, doesn’t make it feel any better.

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And even though today was a better day, at night, when it gets quiet, and I can’t distract myself anymore. I am scared. Of everything that’s coming up. The port, chemo, radiation. I’m even scared to lose the peachfuzz on my head.

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I’m not ready for all this.