And now for something...

A little more serious.

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So today was what I thought was going to be radiation day 1, but ended up just being a shit-ton of xrays to finalize the line up and markings for treatment which starts on Thursday with my Chemo.

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But because it was x-rays and done through the radiation department I kind of got the walk-through for what the process will be for radiation on Thursday. They came upstairs to get me after check in but Thursday I just check in and go right downstairs to the changing area. I put on 2 gowns (so my butt is covered) and then wait in the little dressing area chairs until they come to get me.

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And I feel like maybe I need a button or a sign or something that says, “I’m not rude, I’m just really introverted, I have social anxiety, and I have no idea how to talk to people.” Because like… 2 different women tried talking to me and I just like… shut down. I tried to be polite but at the same time (I still thought radiation was starting at that point) my head was completely reeling with all the scared and anxious and lack of sleep.

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These women joked and laughed and asked each other questions and I just sat there with my awkward pants on and tried not to freak out. One woman (probably in her… late 50s to maybe mid 60s … I suck at guessing people’s ages) looked at my head and said, “Oh you’re hair is coming back in really nicely!” and I just blurted out, “Oh, I just cut it way down a few weeks ago… I don’t really start anything until Thursday so…” but it just felt so … I don’t know.

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All of the women I saw today were at LEAST 15-20 years (or more) older than I am. And I just felt like a fucking baby sitting there.. gutted like many of them probably are… scared and uninformed and completely useless socially besides.

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And one woman was asking about my course of treatment and was talking about how she’d been doing this for 2 years. TWO. YEAAAAARS.

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I didn’t even know what to say I just… nodded politely and continued heading on my way. I just… :deep breath:.

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But seriously, I need a sign to put around my neck that just says… “give me time, I’ll warm up.. but right now I’m scared and anxious and overwhelmed and trying to talk to even 1 person I don’t know is way over my threshold so please respect my silence.”

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I will be putting together my chemo bag tomorrow with this kind of interaction in mind because from what I understand I will basically be in a room with several other strangers for like… 5-6 hours on Thursday and while I may be able to untie my tongue by.. hour 4 or so… the start of all of this so not goign to be a social hour for me, there is no way I can handle that.

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I bought headphones, and I’ll bring my laptop and my e-reader and the plug for my phone charger so I can listen to music on it. Hopefully people will just… understand and not push me on trying to socialize the first couple of sessions. I am so at my limit right now. Honestly, I almost freaked out just dealing with the radiation techs today and I barely had much interaction at all outside of a few instructions and tips and then being told to keep holding still.

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But seriously, right now my big nightmare isn’t even the chemo infusion itself, it’s sitting in a room with a bunch of people I don’t know and being like… ushered into the Cancer-Chemo Community before I can process it all my own way.

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Lots to process right now. blegh.