Some Thoughts

So, I have completely lost track of the date. And thankfully Kris actually opened my car statement this week because I had completely and totally lost track of what day it is and I didn’t make the payment on the 15th (not that I actually have it right now anyway but still). Anyway, instead of making this months payment, she’s going to just pay it off completely (I have it paid it down to under $5g but instead of trying to make a payment each month for the next year (since it’s quite possible I’ll be unemployed by the time I’m done with treatment… during which I don’t get a paycheck anyway)… she said I shouldn’t have to expend energy stressing about how to make that payment every month.

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She said she wants me to be able to focus completely on getting better. That I need one less thing to worry about. I was floored and so grateful. I meant to call them anyway and ask if I could get a 10 day extension this month anyway, but now I just call and ask about the payoff amount and then when I’m back on my feet… I pay her instead of them.

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Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed by the things she does and offers. Not surprised necessarily- because this is totally something fairly… typical for her. She’s got easily the most generous spirit of anyone I’ve ever met… and thinks of me and treats me as though I were her daughter. I’m glad to have this off my plate for now. But I look forward to being able to pay her back over the next year. Hopefully if my job DOES go away before I get back.. I’ll find something comparable (or better) and be able to repay her quickly.

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And in related news: I start treatment this week. :exhale:

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I don’t really know how to feel. I’ve talked before about how different it is to be right up against the start of it all vs how theoretical it all was just a week ago. The port, the pain, the appointments in my Cancer Chart site… it’s really happening now. In a way I’m glad to get started. “Sooner started, sooner done.” But mostly, I am scared.

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My friend Dani (Cancer-Sister extraordinaire) posted on FB today about starting her treatment tomorrow. What she said rang so true to me today as I count down the days to my own treatment starting: “I know I’m going to finish the battle on top but that doesn’t take away the fear. The anxiety and all the sad and bad feelings that come with it. I appreciate the support but I’d like for you all to acknowledge that this is so much more. I know i am going to be fine, i know that. right now i think it’s best for me to realize that i am not ok and be ok with that because if i don’t i think i will explode.”

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I think there are some times when ind words, while well intentioned, tend to gloss over the fact that something really HUGE is happening here, in my life, in my heart, in my own little battleground body. And as much as I have appreciated friends and family constantly touting “You’ll be ok, everything is going to be ok” sometimes what I need to hear is… “shit this is scary.” Honestly. I know that seems strange but it’s the truth.

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Some days are like that.

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Right now all I can do is take it easy. One day at a time. And then deal with treatment when it’s my turn. Learn to navigate that the way I’ve learned to navigate everything else that’s come with this diagnosis.

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and in the meantime… I rest. I try to keep my mind clear and my worries minimal. And thankfully I have the support to do that.

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Tomorrow I call the car company and get the payoff amount. I call the radiation office to get my radiation schedule. And I try to prepare myself for Tuesday, for Thursday, for the next 5 and a half weeks of my life.