Self-Care Self-Portrait

Self-Care Self-Portrait:
Day 1: June 11th, 2012
I needed to do something radical tonight. I made a point to read a post about chemo by one of the Cancer Survivor blogs I follow which turned out to be a mistake because it set off quite the emotional spiral.

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I’ve wanted for awhile to do this sort of… face-spam as self-care. So many of the fatabulous body-positive bloggers I follow have done so and I’ve always admired their confidence.

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I decided last week that I really want to do an actual self-portrait project throughout my treatment. It’ll take a little work I have to figure out and set up a space in my room for it (including a mirror). And figure out the mechanics (my camera’s timer and focus don’t get along well with me).

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But for tonight, I still needed something radical (for me) to soothe me.

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So, I focused on my tattoo, my face, and used my phone camera.. importing the shots I liked to instagram and adding filters from there.

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The middle one I actually took last week while trying to explain my project vision to another photographer friend. They’re not spectacular. Photographically speaking they’re not even that good. But they are… radical. For me.

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Because I have always shyed away from portraits of myself. The only photo of myself I ever really resonated with was a self-portrait I took in a mirrored mosaic at the fair one year. Most of my face is hidden behind my camera. But in these shots, simple as they are… I feel strong. Confident. Beautiful. Feminine even. Not a descriptor I use that much about myself.

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And there is fear in them too. Uncertainty. Anxiety about the coming weeks. There aren’t many smiles. But there is ME. With round cheeks, multiple chins… and that frakking tattoo. “Infinite Strength.” I didn’t realize when I got it back in February… how much and how desperately I would need that little reminder.

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So this is the start. For tonight: this was crucial self-care. My face, my tattoo, my short-cropped hair. Seeing myself over and over, setting up each shot, editing, posting, watching myself. And realizing how much and how infinitely I’ve come to love the person I see in the mirror.

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This is me. Learning a new way to take care of me.

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Radical Self Love.

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Envisioned.

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Created.

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Seen.