Disappear

I am struggling emotionally right now.

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And I know part of it is just… being stuck at home, sick, frustrated by the stall in treatment. And part of it is growing anxiety about doing the article. And part of it is just… exhaustion.

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I’ve managed for a long long time to avoid feeling sick. My weight has helped. Because I started out bigger, the weight loss from my first round didn’t really give me that… “sick girl” look the way it would have on someone smaller. My hair didn’t fall out at all the first round, and even with my buzz cut- the look wasn’t that dramatic.

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But in the last week. It’s more than just feeling sicker. It’s looking sick. It’s circles under my eyes, pale skin, shaven head. It’s patches starting to appear in my eyebrows, my eyelashes getting thinner. It’s wearing a scarf everywhere I go because my head gets cold, and then the rest of me does. It’s wearing a mask to avoid other people’s germs.

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Last week, we went to our favorite Chinese place. No mask yet, just my scarfed head. And when we walked in, a whole table stared. And as we ate, a different table stared. And I thought, “this is what it’s like. This is what happens when people can just… tell that you’re sick.”

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And in the car on the way home from the Cancer Center yesterday- mask on, eyes red, tears falling, scarf falling. Having people in other cars stare. Have them watch me as they go into the store where Kris is getting me meds.

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I look the part now. I’m not emaciated. But it’s still obvious. I’m sick. I can’t hide from it, I can’t pretend anymore.

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Kris asked if I wanted to go to the musicals with her next week. We’re both assuming I’ll be better by then anyway. I said no. I’d have to wear a mask. Too many people. Too many germs. I’d have to wear a scarf. I can’t even imagine trying to get into the theater. I’d run out of energy before we even lost sight of the car. To say nothing of getting in and out of seats, to and from the bathroom.

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My life revolves around a very limited amount of physical energy. And my threshold for being stared at. And Kris, god bless her. Wants to scream at the people who stare. She’d march up and tell them all what for if I’d let her. But for the first time in a very long time, all I really want right now is to be invisible.

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I’m sick. And I’m tired. And I’m fed up. I just want this to be over. I just want to start over. I want this year to be behind me finally. I want to erase it. For the rest of my life this will be the year I had Cancer. And I just want it to disappear.

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I want to disappear.