Can You Ever Be Ready?

I kind of can’t deal with the hair thing.

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I’m going hat shopping tomorrow. If I can stand to leave the house. It’s not exactly coming out in clumps… but… I do have my first little bald… patch.

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Head shaving is scheduled for Friday. Thank god my stylist is also a dear friend. Instead of having me go to the salon (recognizing that I’m feeling a little bit, um, traumatized right now), we’re meeting at another friend’s home to do the deed. I don’t even have words to explain to either of them how grateful I am.

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You would think that after buzzing my hair before Round 1 (only to not lose any hair at all), and being assured it WILL fall out for Round 2… and all the build up to this- that I’d be ready.

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But it is indescribably horrifying to actually watch it happening. To be afraid to move too much for fear that it will fall out on its own. To have to constantly remind yourself not to run a hand over your head, through what’s left… knowing that you’ll just come away with bunches.

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To constantly scrutinize the mirror- trying to see if it’s noticeable.

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And the moment when you realize that it is. When you realize that there is a strip of bare scalp… right at the front of your head.

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I should have done my hat shopping today.

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I should have been ready.

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Can you ever be ready?

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I don’t look like me anymore.

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Let’s face it. I haven’t for awhile. I should have just shaved it before I started Round 2. At least then it would have been my choice. Like I did the first time. Curiosity won-

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But there’s no satisfaction in that this time.