Wake Me Up

I am so freaking stressed out.

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I’m still sick. So I have no idea what to expect on Thursday. I can’t imagine her delaying my next treatment ANOTHER week, but still… .

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Plus, guess what, cell phone and car insurance bills are due, but I don’t have it. So, I’ll have to either call tomorrow (I just got up, don’t ask) and see if I can get them both to give me another couple of weeks (again), or ask Kris to pay them. AGAIN. Which you know, she doesn’t have enough on her plate either.

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I’m supposed to do this craft fair with my Aunt on the 13th. I said I’d bring jewelry and photos. I haven’t gone through my existing stock of photos yet, but I know I don’t have enough to take. To say nothing of having 0 Mats to put on them. Thinking of just mounting them on cardstock (which I have) with small edges, then they’re still thin enough for people to take home and frame themselves, but saves me having to buy mats, and stiffens them just slightly. Is that too cheesy? I mean, it’s just an elementary school craft fair.

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PLUS I was going to try and make some necklaces that are kid-sized and kid friendly but I’m so not motivated to do that. Honestly. What size do I even make that shit?

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But the real root of it all, is that I’m tired. I’m tired of being sick, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of being bald, and being inside, and even if I wasn’t sick and sickly, I don’t want to go anywhere because I’m already tired of being fucking stared at wearing my scarf and a goddamn mask everywhere. I haven’t left the house since last Thursday. And I keep telling myself it’s because I’m sick and the Dr. doesn’t WANT me out and about… but the real truth is- that’s never stopped me before. Kris keeps saying, “just come to dinner.” But I don’t want to. I don’t want to get stared at anymore.

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I am struggling so much right now, financially, emotionally, physically. I just feel completely not myself and I hate it. I am so much stronger than this. My confidence is just… shot. And I am so tired of not being able to support myself financially- I’m pissed that my supplemental insurance claims were BOTH denied. I just.

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And everyone says, oh go talk to SuperTherapist. Except what can she tell me? It’s all temporary. I’ll beat Cancer, I’ll find a job, I’ll go back to the way things were (sort of). And it will all go back to normalish. I know it will. This depression, this anxiety, this pain is all temporary. I don’t need a therapist to tell me that.

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But that doesn’t make it any easier to handle now. Plus, I’d have to go see her and not pay. Again. And quite frankly I can’t handle one more “favor” from someone I know. It’s going to be hard enough to ask Kris to pay my 2 piddling little bills. AGAIN. Again again again.

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I know it’s not my fault, and I know it’s not a bad thing to need other people. But I spent YEARS and YEARS figuring out how to support MYSELF. It feels like failure to need other people so much for so many things.

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I’d rather pay for things with donations, except of course no one has anything to donate anymore.

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I just want to crawl into bed and wake up when this is all over. And it’s been a long time since I felt that way about my life.