Waiting

Well, tomorrow is chemo day.  Cycle 3 of 4.  The good news is that means this is finally almost over.

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We tried to go to the Arboretum today.  There's a big Chihuly exhibit right now, and it's slated to end on November 8th- which means there really wouldn't be another time to go before Chemo is over.  So of course first thing is that I forgot to put a memory card back in my camera.  Cue to me trucking back to the gift shop to buy a $20 2g memory card. :headdesk:

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Met back up with Kris, and we made our way through the gardens.  Unfortunately before we got too far, my feet went numb, nausea rolled through and I lost the little bit of energy I had.  Cue emotional breakdown. 

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One of the most frustrating things about all of this has been accepting my physical limitations.  I've never been the most fit person on the planet.  But I've always been able to DO the things I want to do.  A few years ago (heavier than I am now even), we went to the Arboretum and spent most of the day.  I even went back the next day and went through even more of it.    Contrasting that last visit with this one... I just- sort of broke a little. 

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Poor Kris trying to decipher if I'm crying because of pain, or frustration, or exhaustion... We finally ended up at the kids area which had some cafe tables and chairs.  It was near a restricted entrance, and Kris went up to the guardshack to ask if they'd let her bring the car in there to pick me up.

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So, we went home.  I got some decent photos while we were there... but not what I wanted.  Mostly what I got was a few photos, and a lot of frustration.

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Tomorrow is Chemo day.  So we'll get up at an ungodly hour, drive to Simmons and I'll spend the first part of the morning waiting for various things:
Waiting to have my port accessed
Waiting to see my Oncologist
Waiting to get into a chemo room
Waiting to get the meds started
Waiting to get the chemo started
Waiting to get everything finished
Waiting for Kris to pick me up.

And then when we get home again... we wait some more.  Wait for the side-effects to start.  Wait to need another pain pill.  Wait to need a nausea pill.  Wait for my head to start hurting for the hair that hasn't yet come out to fall.

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But for tonight, I wait for the pain pills to kick in, and wait to fall asleep. 

I pack up my purse, gather my things, pick out port-friendly clothes.  And then I go to bed and start this cycle of waiting.  And I try to forget how limited my life has become in all of this.  Try to look forward, to getting my SELF back.  Whatever that will mean post-Cancer.