My Body Can be Trusted

The first couple of days post-chemo are always sort of... a guessing game.
.

Which side effects will show up this time?  Funky sense of taste?  Nausea? Pain?
.

On the pain front at this point it's really more of a when than an if- but in a good turn, the gabapentin has made a HUGE difference.  I took it this morning when I first woke up and had no pain at all today- first time in weeks.  Amazing.

.

So far, nausea is making a solid appearance this round- it was noticeably absent the last 2 cycles so this was a bit of an unpleasant surprise.  It's not so much the nausea itself as it is that it always seems to go hand in hand with extreme hunger.  Two very contrary physical states.  Frustrating at best.

.

I did manage to eat a few times today.  My appetite overall seems to e returning in general.  Even with all the walking I did last week, and the influx of veggies in my diet- I gained 9 pounds since my last cycle.

.

As a chronically fat girl, I'm almost ashamed to say that set me back a little bit emotionally.  I've mentioned here before the struggles I've had with self-esteem, with body image.  About how much work I did mentally and emotionally to get to a place of peace with my body pre-Cancer.

.

I stopped placing any intrinsic value on the nubmers on my scale a long time ago- I know that pre-Cancer, I was pretty healthy.  Good blood pressure, no blood sugar issues, good labs, good bloodwork, healthy heart.  Despite naysayers and concern trolls- my fat body was in pretty darn good shape. 

.

All I had to do was accept it, learn to love it the way it was.  And I did.  But then Cancer happened.  And in the rush of illness, and surgery, and more illness, and more surgery... I stopped being able to eat real food.  I lived on pop-ice for several weeks.  Then 2 weeks of soups and protein- no carbs.  Cue post surgery and almost no appetite at all.  Radiation and a severely reduced ability to keep food IN my system even when I could eat. 

.

In the process of all of it, diagnosis, surgery, recovery, treatment- over the months since all of this really began- I've lost almost 45 pounds.  And I'm not interested in congratulations- like I said, those numbers stopped meaning anything to me a looong time ago.

.

The thing is, body-positivity, like so many things is a never-ending process.  And I'd be dishonest if I said that 9 pound gain-back didn't bother me a little.  Deep down, back of my mind bothered.  Looking at it logically I can see it as a good thing.  My diet has been sincerely lacking in all of this.  It's one of the first questions I get asked every time I see my Oncologist: "how's your appetite?  Are you eating enough?"   A gain means that my appetite is normalizing.  A gain means that I'm finally eating enough, or getting there.

.

At the same time, gain scares me for a different reason.  Right before I was finally diagnosed- well, I guess for about the 5-6 months before my appetite exploded.  I was hungry all the time, could never get enough.  And after a major lifestyle change with regard to the food I ate- it was a big deal.  Turns out it was probably indicative of the tumors that were distending my uterus, and my abdomen by extension.

.

I know, logically, that my scans came back clear.  That the treatment has worked, is working.  I know that if something was there, they would see it.  But my increased appetite, those measly 9 pounds, they still scare me.  They still remind me of when my illness was hidden, unknown. 

.

I know, logically, that this is a good thing.  A sign of returning health. 

.

But this is a process, as always.  So maybe it's time to go back to the work of it.  To facing myself in the mirror, to soothing myself with lotion and massage.  To remembering that they're just numbers.  To acknowledging that I have a committed, dedicated and brilliant medical team watching over me.

.

So I go back.  Back to learning to accept change.  Back to learning to sit in my own space.  Back to trusting in myself, to listening to my body and yes- my appetite.  My body can be trusted.
My body can be trusted.

.

My body can be trusted.