Immature

Honestly?

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I just don’t want to do this anymore. I know that sounds incredibly immature, but I just-

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I think radiation was a bad idea. Ultimately it was my choice, and I wanted to do everything we could do to make sure that the Cancer stays gone, but I am so physically unhappy, and so sick all the time. I know that’s sort of… what you get when you fight Cancer. But somehow I still didn’t really expect this.

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Aside from just the weirdness of being the fat girl whose dietician recommends eating less fibrous, more processed, less healthy food because maybe that will actually stay in my system, every single thing I eat my body rejects. Kris still doesn’t believe me when I tell her that within 10 minutes of eating ANYTHING, I will have diarrhea. It’s not logical that my body would even process food that quickly but it happens. I know it does, because I can go most of the day without eating anything and then the minute I do… diarrhea.

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To say nothing of the nausea (which to be honest, I did kind of expect… just not like this), and the abdominal pain- no doubt from the cramping/diarrhea issues.

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I’m exhausted. Fatigued. And my Radiation Oncologist just says, “don’t forget you can take up to 8 Imodium in a day if you need to,” and my Oncologist says, “Call us if you need different nausea meds,” and they don’t get that I’m not a pill person, that I forget to take them, that I hate taking medications. That yes, I am the 1% of people who for some reason, would rather lay in bed nauseated and in pain then take 5 pills to try and make it go away. No matter how stupid that sounds. Some of my thinking is still… disordered. I realize that.

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I feel like I should have just done Chemo. Except that I know if the Cancer came back and I had just done Chemo, I’d have hated myself for not doing both in the first place.

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I’m just so tired, and so tired of feeling/being sick. I feel like all I ever do is sleep and sit in the bathroom. Now of course there’s dizziness to contend with, which I’m sure is at least in part, due to my not eating enough.

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There are times when I’d almost rather go back to being in constant pain, like I was before the hysterectomy. How sad is that? At least then… ok I couldn’t really do anything then either.

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What happened? Seriously? For awhile things were so amazing, it seemed like everything was going to be great for once. And then all of this shit came crashing down and now I have nothing. No job, no money, no prospects, no energy, no health. I want my life back. I miss my life.

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Six sessions left. Radiation was a mistake. Too late to stop now.