Honestly

Honestly?

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I just fucking hate this. I hate being sick. I hate being nauseated. I hate have to drive up to UT every fucking weekday to spend 10-20 minutes on some slab while people use a sheet to “cm roll” me to one side or the other while my vagina is out in the air for everyone to stare at.

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I hate nausea pills and insurance and Imodium and dry flaking skin and exhaustion. I hate being pale and jaundiced and looking tired. And I hate feeling like I don’t look sick “enough” for people to really get it. I hate that I’m going to lose my hair and that I haven’t yet. And I hate spending 6 hours every week in a padded chair having poison dripped into my veins. I hate having a port, and I hate the still itchy incision.

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I hate my giant scar. I hate all the changes my body is making, all the changes that are still to come.

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I hate that I can never change my mind about having children. I hate that I lost my shitty, over-involved job because it’s taking me too long to be sick. I hate everything about all of this. I hate feeling useless and tired and unproductive. I hate not being creative or having the energy to do anything that I actually want to do.

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I hate being 30 years old and knowing my Dad will have to pay for my insurance. I hate being 30 years old and knowing I have to rely on Kris for EVERYTHING. I hate not being able to support myself right now, for awhile yet. I hate that I have to be unemployed, that I have to deal with finding another job again, starting over.

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I fucking hate all of this. I hate it. And I try to be positive and suck it up but right now, I’m nauseated and I’m tired and I just FUCKING HATE IT.

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Fuck Cancer. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

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For once, for the first time every my life actually FUCKING WORKED! I hate this. I want my GODDAMN LIFE BACK.