Processing Pain

I know that it’s too soon to say deifnitively that my neuropathy issues are going to be permanent.  But I have some shit to process.  I’m processing it here.  I recognize the above.  But there is some reality that needs to get dealt with too- so… yeah, using this blog as an actual blog again.  Sorry not sorry.

I get that I can’t call my neuropathy issues permanent.  It’s been 2 months since my last chemo treatment and it would be untrue to deny any progress.  Until last month, the pain was practically constant.  24/7.  Adjusting the meds to 3x a day helped manage some of that, but even at night it’s still usually unbearable.

.

The good news is that did resolve a bit, and while my nights are still pretty horrible (and in this recent cold snap, it’s been even worse and included a good part of the day again), the pain and discomfort is not constant anymore.

.

I keep saying, “ok this is temporary.  It’s going to go away, it’s going to get better.”

.

But the fact of the matter is- it might not.  And every week that it continues I skirt more and more around the possibility that this may in fact be permanent.  Even the oncologist was surprised that I was still dealing with just 1 month after treatment.  Now we’re at 2 months, heading into 3.  And with the recent cold- I am feeling the bite of it more and more during the day- and still, as always, at night.

.

I have been so reluctant to think of it as possibly permanent, and I’m not willing to give up the hope that it may not be- but it may also be time to accept that this may be something I deal with for a long time, yes, possibly forever.

.

It’s a pretty depressing thought.  It means accepting that I won’t be able to always walk or move the way I want to.  That sleep will always be difficult (well, more difficult than it was already).  That I will always have to be hyper-aware of my steps so that I don’t stumble- or fall.

.

I have to admit, not all of my recent tenure in my bed has been just because of the cold.  I mean, that’s part of it, yes.  But part of it is this sort of… coming to terms with possibility.  With the idea that my feet may just permanently be an issue.

.

As “handicaps” go, I could have a lot worse.  I certainly have plenty of friends with worse.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to wrap my head around.  All this time I’ve been planning, plotting about photowalks and strolls around the lake.  I’ve been banking on things being better.  On getting my walking feet back.  

.

I’m getting ready to go back to school.  1 class a day M-Th.  And as worried as I am about the mental aspects of it all- I am worried about the physical aspect.  About how cold it still is.  About walking from my car to class.  About my shoes being comfortable enough, and my feet being warm enough.  I’m worried about being able to get enough sleep to function.  I’m worried about being in too much pain to focus.

.

I still hope that all of this will eventually go away.

.

But that just might never happen.

.

And I’m having a really hard time accepting that.