Placard Problems

Part of me is really frustrated that I won’t be able to get my placard before class tomorrow.  I don’t want it.  I don’t want to need it.  I am not ok with this.  I’m not ok with needing it.

.

And it’s so ridiculous because when I’m with Kris (she has a handicapped plate because of damage to her foot when she had polio as a child) we always park in handicapped spaces etc.  

.

I guess like so much of the last 2 years, I kept thinking— after I get through this terrible thing, it’ll be better.  And then there was just.. the next terrible thing.  So… after I get through this terrible thing, it’ll be better.  And then the next terrible thing.   And on and on.  

.

But I was so sure that remission was the end of it.  That sure, there’d be some downtime, some recovery time- but that ultimately within a month or so I’d feel better.  My body would be better. 

.

And I was sure that the neuropathy would just… resolve itself.  I never once entertained the idea that it would be a long term, or potentially permanent issue.  The fact that we’re now approaching the start of month 3 with this, that I’m about to go get a handicap placard for my own car, that I have to actually sit down with professors and tell them I have physical issues that could impact certain aspects of our coursework. 

.

I hate that.  I hate that I can’t just… get up and GO the way I used to.  I’m not going to claim fitness, or physical prowess.  But I could keep up before.  I could walk and climb stairs and I could have managed feeling my way around a darkroom once the lights were off.  

.

But the truth of the matter is, permanently or not- I can’t now.  I can’t keep up.  I can’t handle walking through 2 buildings and the football field sized parking lot to my car.  I can’t handle the near-constant pain AND focus on my studies.  And when I step into the darkroom from the classroom- I can’t feel where the raised mats are and there is a high risk that I will trip, fall, and hurt myself. 

.

And I hate it.  

.

I kept thinking that once I beat Cancer, I’d get my life back- and yes, my body too.

.

I hate this.