The Way it Works

sometimes, when I’m sitting minding my own business and my toes start to tingle, or I’m walking and I can feel my feet start to lose feeling… I look down and just… stare.  

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I pray that today isn’t the day that they don’t come back again.  

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I pray that today is the day that it’s just… a tingle.  That maybe I’m sitting funny, or I stepped weird.  I shift position, I change my gait,  I test the waters.

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But they go numb anyway.  The pain happens anyway.

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And I remember what it was like when I thought all my problems were going to be over when I was done with chemo because that’s the way it’s supposed to work if the chemo works.  

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And then I try not to see the big black cloud behind my head.