Wake Up... Break Down

Woke up and sort of… lost it.

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I don’t know if it’s just… exhaustion (I didn’t sleep very well), or just… overloaded emotions… or what.

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Started crying, can’t seem to stop really.  I am so tired of all of this.  I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of being uncomfortable, I’m tired of being exhausted, I’m tired of being stuck, I’m tired of being so limited.

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I know that I should just… be grateful.  My Cancer crap is almost over.  But more and more I just seem to feel like… I don’t know-  I guess like all the emotional reserves I’ve been dealing from through all of this are just dried up finally.

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I feel weak, and tired, and used up.  I’m physically uncomfortable, I’m emotionally drained.

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And there isn’t really anything to be done about it, except to keep going and let myself recover.  But I am so done.  Every time my pain starts I just want to quit.  But there’s nothing TO quit.  All of me is just so so tired.  Physically, emotionally, in every way- I’m tired.

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I did a lot of … “powering through” this year.  I think a lot of people (myself included) expected a lot more… breakdown as we moved through all of this, but I managed not to.  At some point though, the well of emotional toughness runs dry and I think maybe I’m just there finally.  I don’t really know what to do about it.  Part of me thinks the best thing is just to sleep as much as possible.  Which is a challenge anyway because sleep has never been my strong suit really.  I have a hard time falling asleep, and almost as hard a time staying asleep once I do.

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Sleeping pills and medications haven’t really worked well for me typically, except (lately) for Nyquil now and then.  And aside from night before last when I literally passed out cold from being in so much pain: I don’t really rest well either.  And not for lack of desire or trying either.

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I don’t really know what to do, except hope that I cry myself back to sleep right now?  Hope that I can zonk out enough to get enough rest to feel better later, or tomorrow, or next week. 

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I’m just so tired of having my body in breakdown and of feeling constantly on the edge of emotional breakdown too.

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So.. what to do?

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I guess I climb back into bed, cover up, and hope I fall back to sleep and wake up feeling better.  There’s not really much else TO do.

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Eventually I’ll feel better.  I just will, it’s the nature of all of this shit. 

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I just wish eventually was a little bit closer to now.