I cleaned a bunch tonight on a whim. Tomorrow I pull everything out of the closet and either donate it, or organize it better. Then, the corner where Lucy's kennel used to be. Then the bookcase, and desk area.
I want to start LIVING in my space again instead of just... kind of... existing in it. I need to do this. It will probably take most of the week, but I think it's the first really major emotional/physical thing I can do to start taking back some of the control I lost to all this Cancer crap. Time to start taking my life back.
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So, I definitely overdid it today. But I got so much accomplished and I already feel better... emotionally. There is something really healing about purging this way. About making concrete decisions about what stays and what goes and why.
I got rid of some mementos- I won't lie. The kind of thing my amom would have KILLED me for not keeping. But if Cancer has given me one thing... it's this opportunity to stop looking backwards. More than that, the gift of starting someplace completely fresh.
In this year, I've lost my health, my job, some friends, financial stability, confidence, control.
I stand at the cusp of being... finished and can see something greater. I wouldn't have wanted to do it this way- but I have this blank page in front of me right now and I want to use it. Cancer isn't exactly the way I'd recommend wiping the slate clean- but it will work.
It'll take time to build back. Money too. I paid the first batch of my medical bills this week- which was surprisingly empowering actually. Thanks to continued donations (trickling in as they may be), I may come out of this without too much financial damage I hope. And if I can just get the art/jewelry selling rolling well enough- maybe I'll even have a chance to sort of... live my dreams too.
The point though, harkening back to the whole cleaning thing, is that I have this time, and this opportunity to really... start Living again.
The thing is, I call this blog "The Year that Cancer Stole," but in all honesty it's more like 2 years. At least. It's hard for me these days to think back to a time when I felt... good. Normal. Healthy. At least physically. I did all this really intense work and got my emotional and mental health really well tidied... and then my body just... flipped out.
In 2010 I think is when it all started to go wacky. 2 years. I don't even remember how it started. I just remember being so tired all of a sudden. And I chalked it up to work. My job was super demanding, one of those 24/7 things that I got so invested in that it really took over my life. I thought it was just that. Me letting my job carry me away.
I don't think it was all that anymore. Partly, no doubt. But I think part of it was my body breaking down. And then the pain started, and kept coming. Most of 2011 is just a blur of pain. :shrug: And here we are- almost 2013. And it's almost over.
My life for the last two years. A body breakdown.
It's time for recovery. I have the tools to handle the emotional parts (mostly I think)... and one of those tools is to... "unfuck my habitat" as they say here in cyberspace. (pardon the language). So that's what I've been doing today.
Tomorrow (or maybe Friday) I'll continue. I have at least one other spot in the room I really want to declutter.
And then of course, Thursday is Thanksgiving. It'll be the first Thanksgiving in a few years now without this black cloud of physical issues. Not that things are peachy yet. Still have bone pain, indigestion... a little nausea here and there. But it's the start. I'm starting.
And I'm grateful. Grateful to have survived this year, the year before. To be approaching Cancer-free status, to having even short spurts of energy where I can work on my space and my self and what I want moving forward.
Grateful to move forward.
It's going to be nice... to look forward.
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