Over

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Oncologist and as much as I’ve tried to kind of avoid thinking about it, I am very nervous.

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Most likely they’ll remove the wound vac which is a good thing, except it still seems really… big to me (compared to anything I’ve had before of course) and I’m anxious about tending to it without the wound-vac.

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Plus, I think it’s time for the serious discussion about treatment which terrifies me completely. I know it’s necessary, I know that ultimately it’s a good thing, but I am terrified. I don’t know how to handle it… still.

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I think in my head I am still stuck in… “surgery will fix it,” and I haven’t been able to really wrap my head around the fact that it didn’t, that there’s more that’s necessary now. I don’t want to do this, and I don’t want to have this discussion but there aren’t any other options.

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At least I might get to go HOME home soon. I love my family, but it will be nice to be back home… in my home. Where I’m comfortable and more free.

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I just want it to all be OVER you know? I know people will not agree with this… but sometimes I just don’t think I have it in me to DO all of this. I just don’t know.