Rest

So Frustrating.

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You know the one bonus of being sick? Resting. Resting a LOT.

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But you know what I am incapable of doing? At night or otherwise? FUCKING RESTING.

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I AM SO GODDAMNED TIRED that I can barely breathe. But can I sleep? Nope. Not for me.

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I can’t even get in for a consultation with the sleep cllinic at UT until JULY 10TH. JULY 10TH. This has been going on for weeks. The double anxiety med combo didn’t work. The ambien + anxiety pill combo didn’t work. I am so fucking tired. I need something that will just knock me out. GIVE ME A FUCKING TRANQUILIZER. At this point, I’m actually kind of serious about that.

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I need. TO SLEEP.

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For more than just… a couple hours during chemo. I can’t DO this. I am having a hard enough time dealing with all of this shit without having to do it WITH insomnia. FUCK.

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You want the truth about all of this? The unadulterated truth? It fucking sucks.

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My body aches. My stomach is completely fucked up. I have almost zero appetite most of the time… except that when I do get hungry I get fucking ravenous, then when I get the food that I think will fill me up- I can only eat .. mm.. a third of it or else I know (from learning the hard way) that I will end up in pain because no matter how hungry I feel when I start? There is not enough room in my stomach for the food to fill how hungry I am. How fucked up is that? If I eat until the actual moment when I finally feel full- I will be completely fucking miserable within an hour.

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So I eat like once a day. Sometimes twice. Today I actually got lucky, had a burger, a chunk of watermelon, a banana pudding cup, and then dinner. But that… is super unusual.

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And I am so fucking exhuasted. Oh wait, did I say that already? I’m tired of feeling like my skin is crawling. I’m tired of being uncomfortable, I’m tired of it. I lived in constant pain for like a year. I DON’T FUCKING DESERVE THIS.

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And as if it isn’t fucking obnoxious ENOUGH to be me right now: I have a shit-ton of mosquito bites. Which normally would just be annoying- except my skin now HATES them with an unmatched fury. Which means that surrounding each bite I now have giant red blotches… even around the ones I’ve managed not to itch.

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Yes, this whole post is me bitching and complaining. Problem? Unfollow. I need a place to fucking complaining.

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FUCK THIS SHIT. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP.