Admissions

Therapy today. thank God.

.

I don’t call her “SuperTherapist” for nothing. I’m so grateful she squeezed me in today… and as always the question as she takes my card, “are you ok today or am I taking your grocery money.” A therapist who still treats… even on the off chance you can’t afford to pay her that week.

.

Had a good talk. Need to work on working through my emotions… (what else is new). A lot of the challenge I have with the Cancer stuff is that i have a really hard time accepting that I don’t have any control. Not really. For years, even at my worst, I always knew that when you boiled it down— I could get control over my emotional issues, over my anxiety, my depression. I knew I’d need help to do it, but ultimately that it was something I would actually control.

.

But this? I can’t control this. My body is going to change, I’m already dealing with nausea, dizziness… sleep issues. I can’t control it. They can mitigate it: with medication ultimately… a lot of it at least.

.

And the thing I hadn’t said out loud before…

.

Ever since this all started we’ve functioned on this… “best case scenario” basis.

-They’ll figure out what’s wrong and fix it.

-oh.. well, it’s Cancer.

-We’ll hook you up with an amazing Oncologist

-oh… well, there’s a giant tumor btw.

-Surgery. We’ll do a hysterectomy and then it’ll be all over, in fact, we’ll do it robotically, easy peasy.

-except the tumor’s too big so here’s your incision.

-Let it heal, it’ll be fine

-except there’s an abcess and an infection, enjoy your wound-vac.

- So, hysterectomy and it’s over right?

-except one of the lymph nodes came back Cancer positive… so treatment is
necessary

.

And I know, the prognosis is good, excellent even. And 95% of the time I feel really confident (if a bit nervous and scared) about it all. But 5% of me looks back and says… that whole “best case scenario” thing hasn’t really panned out so far… And I don’t want to die.

.

And I know that seems like a leap when you’re not in my head. But it’s there.. small, quiet, minimal— but there.

.

I spent so much time putting off my life. Not really doing anything… honestly— suicidal for most of it. And now I really really want to live… and :boom: Cancer.

.

It will be ok. It will. I believe that.

.

Except when it’s really really late, and I can’t sleep, and it’s dark and I’m tired and that little tiny 5% starts whispering… “but maybe.”

.

:sigh:

So that’s my honesty for today. Aren’t you glad you read all that?

.

:deep breath:

.

S’gonna be ok. I know it.