Day Accomplished

Day accomplished.
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Managed only to cry in the office with boss and supervisor.  Then got hugged.  Which as it turns out… I kind of needed.  They just.. surrounded me.  There are a lot of things about my job that suck, that are unfair and too much to handle.  But the people are really amazing.
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Told my 2 closest people there at lunch.  Told another later on in the day.  It’s weird… because part of me wants to just.. .send out a memo:
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Hey, if SarahCate acts a little cookoo in the next few days… it’s just because she was diagnosed with Cancer and she’s kind of dealing with that right now.
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And on the other hand, I almost want to keep it a secret.  I don’t know.
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Called the specialist (I refuse to call him an oncologist, I won’t.  You can’t fuckin make me either).  Appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.
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Mom and grandmother are coming with me— not sure how I feel about that.  We may have to lay some emotional ground rules on this play.  Like— I can’t deal with your guilt over giving me up for adoption during all this.  I have enough to handle without worrying that you feel guilty because you weren’t there.  And..  no nose scrunching or disappointed gazes when I talk about being a lesbian.  I know you don’t like it, I know you don’t approve— but right now, that’s really so far beside the point it’s practically another planet.
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I’m not thrilled that the specialist is a guy.  Like, super not thrilled.  But I’m so fucking tired you know?  Someone said today— “You have to cut yourself a little slack.  You just found out you have Cancer… but you’ve been living with Cancer for so long already.  You’re allowed to be tired.”
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And I guess they’re right technically.  I mean… it was already Cancer, they just— didn’t know it until yesterday.
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I just
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I keep wanting to cry you know?  But then… nothing  happens.  And I keep wanting someone to sort of— scoop me up and hold onto me so tight I can hardly breathe and just… sit there with me until I do cry, until I feel SOMETHING about all of this.