Fingers Crossed

CT scans went fine. Nicest facilities I’ve ever been in for a CT. I’m used to having them at small clinics or the hospital.

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I got a warm robe, they covered me with a warm blanket, lots of pillows. Aside from my arms overextended above my head it was actually pretty comfortable.

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Assuming if nothing major shows up she’ll review them with me on Thursday when I go in for my pre-treatment appointment.

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Still a little emotional about starting treatment again. Not to sound immature but… I don’t wanna.

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Just hoping nothing pops on the CT so that we can continue on with this being the last round. I don’t know how people handle being in treatment for years… I don’t know what I’ll do if it comes back someday and I have to do this over again. I don’t know if I’m one of those people who is strong enough to do this again. :shrug:

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Fingers crossed.

Scans

CT Scans tomorrow. Chest and Abdomen.

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Not sure if I’m more scared they’ll find something, or that they won’t. After all… all those tumors in my uterus never showed up on CTs.

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After CT Scans, I have another week and then Chemo # 2 starts. I’ve been moping most of the day. I know it’s stupid, I just really am not looking forward to this. It could be so much worse. My treatment is so minor compared to some folks. 1x every 3 weeks for 4 sessions. Done after Thanksgiving.

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It’s just in the last week I’ve been feeling so much better. Finally. And now here we go back to treatment and side effects.

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At least my hair should fall out this time. Is it sad that I feel like that will be a good thing? I hate the way it grew in. Wonder how things will change this go around.

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Oh well. Not like I have a choice right?

Bloodshot

I constantly forget that I literally CANNOT eat the way I used to.

I went to Jack in the Box to get lunch. And I guess I ate too much. It didn’t seem like too much, and I was very hungry.

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But I just vomited so violently that there are broken capillaries in my forehead, cheeks, neck… and my eyes are COMPLETELY bloodshot.

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:sigh:

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There wasn’t even nausea first, just went to the restroom and suddenly… ugh.

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So yeah, that was fun.

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I think JiB is officially off my list of places to eat. That’s the 2nd time that food from there has led to something like this. I’m done.

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blegh.

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Hope some of the bloodshotness is out of my eyes by tonight’s show.

Random Nausea

Still dealing with random bouts of nausea. Currently sitting on my bed, trying to decide if this is one of those bouts that won’t go away until I actually throw up and I’m starting to think it is. I hate those. I am not a good thrower-upper. Never have been.

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But I can’t seem to settle it, and I don’t think it’s going to pass until I do. Frustrating, and unpleasant.

SURPRISE!

I don’t think you understand the true marvel that was today.

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I had a really crappy night, hardly slept, issues with a neighbor, wicked bad dreams. Hauled myself up to go to brunch with the Fairy Godmother and Honorary Fairy Godmother. As requested, I packed up my containers of finished jewelry pieces for HFG to go through when we finished eating.

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We arrived at the restaurant, and I discovered: a SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY for me!!!

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I have a group of “goils” here in North Texas that I bum around with… I’ve known them since about 2004 online, and ever since I moved back here, I’ve spent varying amounts of time with them all and they’re a huge part of my support system. Earlier in the summer I’d mentioned wanting to do something really big for my birthday, but not having the energy or gumption to plan it. One of them volunteered to take on that task.

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And today, I discovered the final product. We met at Uncle Julios (my favorite tex-mex restaurant) and I was surprised to see my goils in attendance, balloons on chairs, smiling faces, gifts. It was WONDERFUL!

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And when food and jewelry shopping (I made a ton on jewelry sales today!!) were over— they brought out my very own TARDIS CAKE! :dies:

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It was awesome.

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I was exhausted, and if I’d had to choose, today was not the day I’d have chosen for a party… but oh my heavens it was so lovely and so special and I feel so loved.

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It’s funny. When you get sick, you have certain expectations for people. Some fall away, hide. Either because they can’t deal with the pain of your illness, or because they weren’t as close as you thought they were to begin with. And then… some people just… rise to the occasion. They reach out and check in and constantly remind you that they’re there, that they’re loving you and caring about you and supporting you and praying and thinking about you.

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These girls are like that. Constantly a hand outstretched somewhere if I need it.

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Or, if all else fails— a really amazing Tardis Cake.

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This was the best day I’ve had all year. Easily. And when it finally hits me (after a nap and maybe a quick trip to Michael’s) I will probably bawl my eyes out. But happy tears. Because I still have people who will go to great lengths to tell me they love me. Individually, and as members of this sacred-to-me group of women. And I couldn’t possibly ask for anything more than that.

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So happy belated birthday to me. It was so worth waiting a week.

Radiation Skin

I discovered tonight that I *did* actually get “radiation” skin.

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I was falling asleep, or trying to- and I rubbed my belly… at the sides.. in the crease where my waist meets my hips.. and skin rolled away. Just small pieces. Being a picker, of course, I started peeling.

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It took me a minute to realize the implications. I got up, got a hand-mirror, turned on the light.

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Stared at the dark skin, the peeling flakes, the soft raw-looking flesh underneath.

It doesn’t hurt. Less painful than a sunburn anyway. Itches a bit, a sign of the skin repairing itself no doubt. But disconcerting. Strange, to see it when I didn’t even really notice it before. Benefit (or detriment) of being fat I suppose. My own folds and wrinkles hid it from obvious view.

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I don’t know how to feel about it. Relieved? Because I know radiation is over… that I’m only noticing it as it’s healing itself? Upset? Because… one more sign of what I’ve been dealing with? One more piece that just… keeps surprising me with side-effects?

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I’m tired of these surprises. I’m tired of being fine one day, then waking up vomiting the next. Tired of knowing my body, knowing my skin one day and waking up peeling and red and ugly the next.

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I’m tired of this. Things were going so well when I first got sick last year. Really really well, well in ways I never thought it would. I was at a stable job, pursuing my art, loving my body, happy with who I am. And then Cancer changed all that, changed it even before I knew that it WAS Cancer.

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I keep thinking it’s going to be over, that I’ll get used to it because I will be beyond it. But will I ever really? I have another month of treatment, though thankfully no more radiation. But even beyond that. Every 3 months I have to go back. To get checked. 3 months. Every 3 months, to be reminded, to be rechecked, to be re-examined.

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No matter what I think or say… Cancer will be a part of me for the rest of my life. An invisible companion- stretching out a hand, waiting, looking for a way to grab hold of me again. And maybe it never latches on. Maybe I never again have to feel its fingers in mine… but it will always be… THERE. Here. Next to me.

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I don’t know how to manage all of the emotion that comes with that. And I don’t know how to talk about it. How to make sense of it.

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My life was as close to perfect as I could ever have imagined. And now, because of all of this, I have to rebuild. And maybe it will be better. Maybe this is just the beginning of more wonderful and amazing and satisfactory things.

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But right now, all I can see in my future is 2 sets of footprints… one belonging to me- and the other… to the Cancer that will walk (hopefully) silently beside me for the rest of my life.

1 Week

It’s been more than a week since my last radiation treatment, and longer since my last chemo. And yet I started the day by projectile vomiting in the bathtub. Nothing better than that.

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Still a little nauseated, and that was almost 20 hours ago. Just when I start to think it’s over… it starts all over again. I don’t get it.

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I have my follow up with the oncologist tomorrow and I’m hoping there isn’t any conflict with the insurance. I’ve officially opted for my cobra coverage, but I just have this sinking suspicion I’m going to get drama tomorrow. I can’t afford drama.

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Heading to bed now. Spent the day resting and beading… did finally eat something which has managed to stay down, thankfully.

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Have to get bloodwork tomorrow too, fingers crossed that my magnesium and potassium will finally turn up normal again. Or normalish.

Happy Birthday to Me

Feeling a little better with some caffeine. Decided to power through and enjoy myself at least a little bit.

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Today’s plan:

1. Brunch at Barbecs

2. Shopping at the proper bead store (yay!)

3. Napping

4. Beading

Tomorrow’s plan:

1. Doctor Who marathon with Kris

2. Ice Age 3 at Studio Movie Grill (dinner and a movie!)

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And that’s my big birthday weekend. It’s enough. Friends are planning a big to do in a couple weeks (and that’s all I’ve been told). That will be good.

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Now, waiting for Kris to be ready then time for brunch.

Lucy

Lucy (my dog) was put Down about 745 this evening. In the course of the afternoon, in what we call... a chemo fog, I put her outside and then forgot she was there. 

The consensus was that even if she made it to the e-vet (which was frankly a major if), her condition was bad enough that we likely still would have been looking at euthanasia. We talked about it and it seemed crueler to try and take her over there with the high risk that she’d suffocate on the way over than to do the merciful thing here and now. They believe that she’d also aspirated at some point as well which added to the problem.
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Lucy was 11, almost 12 years old and was very very loved. Kris and I were both with her to the end. She will be very missed and its going to take some time for me to be able to look at all of this and not just feel….. Guilty.
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Love you Lucy-loo and I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better doggie mama to you, you deserved a lot better.

Scared

I’ll be honest, I was really scared today.

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And I’m still a little scared. I’ve had panic attacks before, and that’s the only basis I have for comparison to what happened today. When I got up, I was feeling a little woozy, and sometimes my lips would feel tingly. I didn’t really think much of it. But it got worse bit by bit as the day went on.

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I managed to eat something, and make a necklace, then left for radiation. I got progressively woozier as I made my way uptown, and I probably should have pulled over, or asked Kris to take me, but I really thought it would be fine. I decided that when I was done with radiation, I’d go upstairs and see my Nurse and let her know what was up.

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By the time I was halfway through treatment though it was really really bad. My whole face was tingling and almost numb. It was like the physical effects of a panic attack, except the physical stuff happened FIRST, then the actual panic started- because I had no idea what was going on. I wasn’t having trouble breathing, but the effects were the same. It was awful, and frightening.

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They brought in a wheelchair to the radiation room, and took me to their little observation room and got me on a stretcher, hooked up a heart monitor, pulse-ox and blood pressure and asked me 5 million questions. They called up to my oncologist and the nurse came down to get some blood. By the time she came back with results, I was feeling a lot better, had stopped tingling, calmed down, stopped crying too (yeah, it was pretty bad).

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She took me upstairs and they put me in a chemo room and started a drip with magnesium and potassium, which were very very low. They gave me a scrip for potassium, and want me to pick up magnesium pills (can be gotten otc) to take too. They’re fairly sure once they get the balance corrected it will stay corrected and the low magnesium levels evidently explain my reaction today.

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I’ve been home since about 6:30 though, and I still feel… a little puny. A couple of times, when I was standing in the kitchen talking to Kris, I swear my lips started tingling again. I guess I need to take it easy.

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But I hate this. I have no idea what my body is doing anymore. Today was my last day of radiation, I expected it to be good, happy even. Now I’m tired and scared and yes, woozy again. :sigh:

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Frustrating. I have a month off of treatment. And even after that, no more radiation. I just hope my body will calm down, so I can stop being afraid.

4 More Days

Took a shower. Got done and was so dizzy I ended up in my towel sitting on the toilet lid spinning. Then threw up in the bathtub.

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Still pretty dizzy. I think it must be because I’m hungry. Was surprised my stomach managed to actually produce anything. Not sure what to do now to be honest. I really want to call and tell them I won’t finish the radiation. Don’t think I have the guts to do it though. 5 sessions left including today.

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Guess I’ll head out and try to eat something on my way. Maybe after todays treatment I can talk to him, tell him I don’t want to finish it.

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I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t handle it.

5 More days

I’m so hungry I feel like my stomach is trying to gnaw its way out of my body. But first thing this morning, just the thought of trying to eat had me dry heaving for 20 minutes. Thankfully there wasn’t anything IN my stomach to actually get rid of.

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Managed to eat a few bites of a sandwich before radiation, but then got sick before I could even leave the restaurant. When the techs asked how I am, I was shaking, started crying during treatment… and I think one of them went and got the dietician who tried to hijack me on my way out. I said thank you but I just want to go home.

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She gave me the same 5 pages about eating around diarrhea that the Chemo dietician has given me 3 times. Diarrhea, for once, was not the problem today.

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The thought of actually… eating food turns my stomach. Completely. I just can’t. But I am so fucking hungry I can barely function. I don’t know how to deal with this. I honestly have no clue.

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I don’t know if I can do another 5 days. What if it gets even worse?

Immature

Honestly?

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I just don’t want to do this anymore. I know that sounds incredibly immature, but I just-

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I think radiation was a bad idea. Ultimately it was my choice, and I wanted to do everything we could do to make sure that the Cancer stays gone, but I am so physically unhappy, and so sick all the time. I know that’s sort of… what you get when you fight Cancer. But somehow I still didn’t really expect this.

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Aside from just the weirdness of being the fat girl whose dietician recommends eating less fibrous, more processed, less healthy food because maybe that will actually stay in my system, every single thing I eat my body rejects. Kris still doesn’t believe me when I tell her that within 10 minutes of eating ANYTHING, I will have diarrhea. It’s not logical that my body would even process food that quickly but it happens. I know it does, because I can go most of the day without eating anything and then the minute I do… diarrhea.

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To say nothing of the nausea (which to be honest, I did kind of expect… just not like this), and the abdominal pain- no doubt from the cramping/diarrhea issues.

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I’m exhausted. Fatigued. And my Radiation Oncologist just says, “don’t forget you can take up to 8 Imodium in a day if you need to,” and my Oncologist says, “Call us if you need different nausea meds,” and they don’t get that I’m not a pill person, that I forget to take them, that I hate taking medications. That yes, I am the 1% of people who for some reason, would rather lay in bed nauseated and in pain then take 5 pills to try and make it go away. No matter how stupid that sounds. Some of my thinking is still… disordered. I realize that.

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I feel like I should have just done Chemo. Except that I know if the Cancer came back and I had just done Chemo, I’d have hated myself for not doing both in the first place.

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I’m just so tired, and so tired of feeling/being sick. I feel like all I ever do is sleep and sit in the bathroom. Now of course there’s dizziness to contend with, which I’m sure is at least in part, due to my not eating enough.

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There are times when I’d almost rather go back to being in constant pain, like I was before the hysterectomy. How sad is that? At least then… ok I couldn’t really do anything then either.

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What happened? Seriously? For awhile things were so amazing, it seemed like everything was going to be great for once. And then all of this shit came crashing down and now I have nothing. No job, no money, no prospects, no energy, no health. I want my life back. I miss my life.

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Six sessions left. Radiation was a mistake. Too late to stop now.

The World is Awash in Pink

There are other Cancers.

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Women don’t JUST get Breast Cancer.

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Women’s health is not JUST about Breast Health.

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If I wear a peach ribbon, people assume it’s actually Pink. They give me a thumb’s up for supporting Breast Health. I don’t bother to tell them I wear peach because I have Uterine Cancer. Sometimes I do. They rarely bother to look upset. It’s natural to assume otherwise. I did, before I was diagnosed.

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There is no prosthesis for what I lost to Cancer. There is no rallying cry across the universe for my cause. There is no universal understanding of my shame or pain or fear. No telethons, no 3 day walks, no desperate worldwide search for a cure.

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My loss is invisible to the world at large. There is no sea of peach once a year to recognize what I and other survivors, other victims deal with. No peach kitchen-aid mixers, or peach pens. Or teal (for ovarian cancer) notebooks, laptop sleeves. I’m as guilty as anyone else. Before my diagnosis, I wouldn’t have noticed either.

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And I get it. The prevalence of Breast Cancer is probably a lot higher. But it’s not all there is. My experience and my struggle shouldn’t have to suffocate because it’s not the pop-culture-cause. If I’ve learned anything these last few months, Cancer doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t really care if you’re young, or old, or white, or black, or asian, or male or female, or rich or poor. Cancer is a thief. Of time, of health, of dignity… of life.

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But the world is awash with pink.

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Because the honest truth is that the world will always care more about a woman’s Breasts, than they ever will about our health.

Dizzy

Awake for a minute. Going to try and go back to bed until I have to leave for radiation.

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Feel worse and worse each day. Tired, sick, nauseated, unsettled. 11 more radiation treatments and 2 more Chemo. Then a month off, then more Chemo.

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I think the Chemo alone will be fine, manageable at least.

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But the radiation. :sigh: I just feel like I’m draining away. Kris keeps offering to drive me on radiation only days and I keep saying no. But the truth is, she may have to soon. I’m so tired.

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Spent most of yesterday in bed… probably most of today too to be honest. I don’t know how to manage my symptoms anymore. I’m not vomiting. But whenever I eat, whatever I eat… the diarrhea is so bad. Sorry, tmi.

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I’m losing weight, more than before. My body is a different shape than it was a week ago. I’m tired of feeling sick.

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I keep telling myself that it’s almost over but it doesn’t feel like it’s almost over. I hate this. Which supertherapist would say is a poisonous thing in and of itself. But I don’t know how to feel any other way about it. I know it’s temporary. I know I’ll be fine when it’s all over.

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But I hate it. I hate the way I feel. I hate being sick and exhausted and weak.

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:sigh: Dizzy. That means back to bed with me.

Big Surprise

I am ridiculously, deliriously tired of being in the bathroom.

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I had a lovely morning at brunch with the girls. And ever since I’ve been home it’s just been me in bed, and then in and out of the bathroom. And jesus I’m so fucking tired of it. I’m tired of my stomach being torn up, I’m tired of feeling sick, I’m tired of being… stuck.

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I have 11 radiation treatments left and I swear to god I want to quit. I just want to fucking quit. Can I quit? fuck. I’m just.. I don’t know if I can take this getting WORSE.

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what’s that? Oh… I have to run to the bathroom again. Big fucking surprise.

First

Oh hey swell… The nausea’s back. Cause that whole 24 hours or so without it was just waaay too long. :sigh:

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Oh, and as a fun follow up look… I’ve now had my first Cancer Vomit. Super.

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Fuck this shit.

13 More

Today was not a good day.

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Had a hard time sleeping this morning the way I usually do, so I woke up about an hour early. Went to radiation and honestly, the minute I walked out- I just felt exhausted, like I’d been hit by a truck. Made it home, started to deal with some anonymous fat hatred that found it’s way to my blog’s inbox… and then had to stop Crawled into bed and stayed there until almost 8 o’clock.

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I zonked out dead asleep for HOURS. Got up, had some dinner and am still completely exhausted. Of course, in between those two things I spent about an hour in the bathroom before I could catch a break long enough to take some Imodium (which has fortunately finally started working).

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Seriously, I had such a great day yesterday- and today… ugh. omg.

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So tired of this.

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13 more Radiation sessions. I can’t wait until this is over.

Honestly

Honestly?

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I just fucking hate this. I hate being sick. I hate being nauseated. I hate have to drive up to UT every fucking weekday to spend 10-20 minutes on some slab while people use a sheet to “cm roll” me to one side or the other while my vagina is out in the air for everyone to stare at.

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I hate nausea pills and insurance and Imodium and dry flaking skin and exhaustion. I hate being pale and jaundiced and looking tired. And I hate feeling like I don’t look sick “enough” for people to really get it. I hate that I’m going to lose my hair and that I haven’t yet. And I hate spending 6 hours every week in a padded chair having poison dripped into my veins. I hate having a port, and I hate the still itchy incision.

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I hate my giant scar. I hate all the changes my body is making, all the changes that are still to come.

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I hate that I can never change my mind about having children. I hate that I lost my shitty, over-involved job because it’s taking me too long to be sick. I hate everything about all of this. I hate feeling useless and tired and unproductive. I hate not being creative or having the energy to do anything that I actually want to do.

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I hate being 30 years old and knowing my Dad will have to pay for my insurance. I hate being 30 years old and knowing I have to rely on Kris for EVERYTHING. I hate not being able to support myself right now, for awhile yet. I hate that I have to be unemployed, that I have to deal with finding another job again, starting over.

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I fucking hate all of this. I hate it. And I try to be positive and suck it up but right now, I’m nauseated and I’m tired and I just FUCKING HATE IT.

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Fuck Cancer. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

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For once, for the first time every my life actually FUCKING WORKED! I hate this. I want my GODDAMN LIFE BACK.

You Look AMAZING

I heard this over and over again. “You are the healthiest damn Cancer patient I’ve ever seen” said one friend. And they mean well. And they’re not wrong either. I had a good day today. My nausea of the last 4 days was almost completely gone, I had some better energy today, usually do on Mondays. I dressed up and cleaned up to go into the office and see everyone. I did it purposely so that I would look … well.

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But at the same time, there is part of me that kept protesting, “it’s a good day,” “the side effects haven’t been so bad today,” I don’t know why I feel like I have to … justify not looking sick all the time. Which isn’t to say there aren’t days when I do. Kris even said today that my color was a lot better today than it had been this weekend.

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Why do I feel like I should look sicker? :shrug: I don’t even have the energy to finish out this train of thought. fuck it. I think it’s time for bed.

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Hello nausea. Not glad you’re back.