Be Better

So we picked up my disability placard today.  

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I keep waiting for this to be less emotional to me, but it’s  just… not.

Giant Red placard to hang from my rearview mirror so that I can be reminded over and over again that my body is not what it once was.  That my life didn’t just… go back to normal after I beat Cancer.

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And maybe that’s the part that’s so hard for me… harder even than accepting the disability itself.  I spent so long with my life disrupted by all of this Cancer business.  I mean, for a YEAR before my diagnosis I was in horrible pain and discomfort.  I had to stop drinking alcohol because my abnormally heavy period meant that any alcohol in my system left me literally flooded.  I stopped seeing friends and family outside of work because by the time I survived my work days (sometimes 10+ hours), my pain had left me with absolutely no energy to go anywhere, much less SEE anyone.

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When I got my diagnosis there was a part of me that was super relieved because I knew I would likely live through it (thankful for Stage 3 rather than Stage 4), and that once everything was all over- I’d finally… FINALLY get my LIFE back.

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And that was always kind of the… light at the end of the tunnel.  When this is all over- I get my LIFE back.  I would get to start moving, and walking, and doing all the physical things that my symptoms had kept me from for so long.  Before I became symptomatic, I’d made huge changes in my diet.  I adjusted how much I was eating, learned to listen to my body’s signals for hunger and fullness.  I switched out much of my fast food intake for fresh fruit/veggies… more salads.  

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I got to a point where I wanted to start … not exercising per se, but walking.  Hiking around the lake with my camera.  Walking downtown.  Pain stopped that for me.  The super-heavy bleeding stopped that. 

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And I just assumed that when I finished with the whole Cancer thing, that I’d be able to DO those things again.  I had plans.  I had ideas.  And that involved being able to WALK.  To walk without help.  To walk without pain.  

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So here I am, almost 3 months after my last Chemo treatment and getting ready to hang my giant red placard in my car.  The one that says I can’t walk 200 feet without stopping.  The one that says I can’t walk without debilitating pain.  The one that says that I beat Cancer and became disabled.  Hopefully… only temporarily.

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But I am having such a hard time with it all in my head.

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Because when I beat Cancer, I was supposed to just be better.  

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full stop.