Heaviness

honestly though, the downside to all of this…

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Is realizing how… mobility challenged I am.  I love to move.  I’m lazy, yes, but I love to move.  To walk. I used to be the girl that parked way far from the door.  Because I liked the walk.  

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And part of me still does- emotionally.  But physically…

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I’m really seeing this week just how much my body can’t do.  My feet, specifically.  And as much as I’m trying to keep loving all the many parts of me… I am having a really really hard time not focusing a lot of frustration and disappointment and…. well, rage at my feet and at the drastic change in my physical ability.

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It’s a hard thing- to have it shoved in your face every day.  Every day to have to face how much things have changed.  And changed because of a drug that saved my life (chemo).  Before, I could sit at home and pretend it was just… this nightly ritual that didn’t necessary affect my day-to-day life.  But with classes, and walking, and finding parking places, and participating in photo studio time…

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What if this is the way it is forever?  What if this really is what my feet will be from here on out?

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Not quite handicapped.  But certainly not able-bodied either.

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Realizing just how much I took that pre-cancer body for granted.  

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It’s a lot of heaviness in my head.

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And more in my heart.